It’s a new year! So
what. Sorry, but I just don’t get that
excited about another year. Do I sound, “Bah,
humbug”? My apologies to those of you
who embrace a new year like “The Running of the Bulls.” Maybe I’m a pessimist. Maybe I’m just tired. I am not melodramatic enough to say that life
does not have good, because it most certainly does. I’m just really not one of those fresh slate
kinds of people. “Each day is fresh with
no mistakes”... but then again, what about the unresolved ones of
yesterday? Where do they go? They do not simply fall away in the
night. No. If there is no resolution, they will be there
to greet the day with you. And is it not
ignorance to deny they exist? Mistakes
happen. There is forgiveness and even
compensation, but they have the power to change the course of one’s life, for
good or bad. From my perspective, it’s sometimes
all about whether or not one can make pies with mud.
I stopped making new year resolutions a long time ago. I find them to enable me to fail. I know that seems a contradiction, but the
things I have succeeded at have been practices in place over time, not promises
I have made to myself for improvement on January 1st. As a psychologist, I find the behaviors
implemented with resolutions to be amusing.
There is a mad scramble to accomplish that which has not been mastered
the rest of the year through. It is as
though somehow with the dawning of a new year there is an enablement to succeed
that has not existed prior. I have seen
it too often in my own nature. And I
know that, behaviorally, it is impossible to will a new pattern. There has to be practice, consistency, and
tenacity, all features I possess no more on January 1st than I do
any other time of the year.
I am not poo-hooing those who like their resolutions. It is truly not my business, but I just think
there is a lot of pressure placed on this time of year during a time when
depression already reigns. So, why not
add the pressure to reformat one’s life and when failure happens, let’s add it
to one of the most depressing months of the year. Again,
if it helps you, makes you a better person in your own interpretation, do
it. For me, the practice is not
beneficial.
So, I have implemented a reflection thing I do in December. I take stock as one might of a pantry to see
what I have in excess and what I am lacking.
I make notes to add or throw out, and I attempt balance. This past year has been all about the
dissertation. My doctorate has taken up
so much of my life. I ran into major
issues with my chairperson and had to get a new one. The process taught me that if I had to, I
could walk away from the whole thing for the sake of everything else in my
life. My new chairperson is awesome, and it looks as
though I’m going to button this thing down by early spring, but I am still
willing to walk away if need be. That
was a hard place to come to, but I got there.
Some things should really just not dictate the welfare of others in one’s
life. I am happy with this particular
development in my little world.
Another area I have recently made changes to has been in the
area of relationships. I have a fatal
flaw where people are concerned. I have
figured out that I tend to involve broken people who are needy in my life so
that I won’t have to be left out. It is
a practice I have employed since forever.
Kind of like the kid who brings candy to school and offers it for
friendship. I have tended to offer loyalty
and support as trade off for friendship.
This is a tough one. But I have
begun drawing hard lines. I was single
for nearly 40 years. People think of you
that way, even if your status changes. I
am married now, and I have a family. I
can no longer be a beck and call girl for individuals who are used to me being
there. So, people who do not want to
know about my life, do not want to be involved, but want me on standby in case
they need crisis intervention will be billed.
Simple as that.
I can no longer put forth all the effort in personal
exchanges and receive no exchange or response.
That is not healthy. My apologies
for not doing this sooner. When I had
more time in my personal life, other people’s issues were like puzzles I
enjoyed trying to solve, but I am not God, and I have no real answers. I no longer have time to straddle the
practices of my past life and those required in my new one. I have to commit somewhere. And that has been the lesson of the
year. I must commit to the life I have
chosen, leaving what is past behind.
It is difficult to let go of a life that has been in place
for nearly 40 years. People who have
been married and then single, tell me they know what I mean, but they don’t. When you have never ever committed your
entire life to someone, given up your independence, and found yourself having
to ask for input of another person when you have never done any of that in 35 +
years, taking a step like that is pretty earth shattering. And, I think that in the past year, even
though I have been married for nearly two years now, I have really come to a
reckoning with myself about my tendency to hedge my bets rather than go all in,
a practice very much against my nature. It is as though a part of me is being
reserved, held back, for...well...for me.
But what Abba has helped me see is that if I cannot see me in my new
life with a new direction, I will never be able to fully live it, and I cannot
expect others to believe it of me either.
So I have already begun the changes I want for my life, long
before a new year gave me permission. It
matters little about success or failure.
It has to be an implemented change in the fabric of my nature. I have done some of the hard stuff. I have walked away from some relationships
that have been in place for most of my life.
There is no closed door...just empty place on the bench I used to
inhabit, waiting to be summoned. I just
don’t have the time any more. And, I
have begun to fully live the life I am in.
I am slowly accepting the role of “mother” something I have never really
been comfortable with or pursued, and I am reaping benefits I do not
deserve. I am someone’s wife; Chris’
wife. And I’m mostly okay with that,
because he champions me being me. A
better man for me does not exist. I am a
low maintenance woman, but that does not mean I am not difficult, and he is a
perfect balance of humor, grace, and strength for me. I hope I bring to his life. I hope I can continue to become a better
person not just because of him but for him.
I am working towards becoming more involved socially with
the life I am in. I am going to continue
to make an attempt to get involved in the church we have begun to attend. I’m not a person who enjoys church. There I said it. Are you shocked? I grew up “in the church”. I have spent the last 20 years trying to
break out of that mentality and make certain my reasons for going to church are
not ritualistic or obligatory,but spiritual.
What can I say? I’m
agoraphobic. A nightmare for me is a
round room packed with people I don’t know, music that is too loud, and only
two exits. But I’m working it out, because
I feel this is an area where I need to stretch.
And maybe in the future I will join in on a Bible study or, heaven
forbid, a women’s group. It’s not my
thing, and I have had major trauma in the past with such groups wanting to “exorcise”
the demons out of me that make me “crazy”.
But I’m past all that. I know my
God and what he thinks of me. Anyone
else’s discomfort with me and my issues is theirs and not for me to worry
about. Even so, I won’t be throwing such
things into the arena any time soon. I
am going to make an effort to become involved a bit. I just feel it is something I need. And you never know, I may be surprised. I’m open to that...being surprised. Yet another change I have begun to embrace
over that past year. We shall see what
next year’s reflection brings.
Happy Year, everyone!
L
