My first notice for a student loan payment, due next month,
arrived today; 430 dollars. I am trying
not to panic, so I am doing the only logical thing in my world...I am ignoring
it. I have been pondering the concept of
“meaning”. What gives you meaning? I have been reading Madeline again, and one
of the things she mentions is how, when life is a struggle, she goes back to
what gives her meaning; her grandchildren, being in “flo’ whilst playing her
piano, energetic conversation.
As I sit here looking out my big picture window at two
little red finches fighting with each other to get at my bird feeder, I am
reminded that what gives me meaning is not necessarily the same as what brings
meaning. Right now I am looking for
meaning in the little things that occur in my daily sojourn, because the larger
picture is lost on me at present. I
cannot find my place in the working world at present. I am overqualified, underworked, or just
plainly an anomaly. So, I am listening to
Act III: Entr’acte from Carmen by Bizet
while I watch the little birds get rowdy, and I am embracing what is bringing
meaning even if I cannot discern what gives me meaning.
What brings you meaning?
What gives meaning to your life?
I have to say, upon reflection, that the creative brings me meaning,
generally in the form of music. My
husband bought me a bouquet of lilies and a bouquet of roses for my birthday. Their beauty and their scent bring me
meaning.
But then my next question is how do they bring meaning? Well, when I hear music such as what I am
listening to at present I am reminded through the clear tones and musical
combinations that life is sometimes bright, lovely, airy, and ripe with
adventure. When I look at my flowers,
the meaning they bring me occurs through a reminder that beauty exists, that
fragility is lovely, and that hope abounds in the merest of aesthetic appearances.
When I see those little lovely birds bickering, I am reminded to smile. I am reminded that humor is still possible
and that I may just need to lighten up on myself, even with the weight of my
obligations weighing heavily.
My next step after I move away from all these wonderful
carriers of meaning is to maintain, because I agree with Madeline, meaning is
what helps me find my way back to center through the craters, lava, and abysses
of stress. See, I know that I must trust
that someone greater than me has a hand in my future, but I do not always make
the connection across the board or maintain it.
I think that going back to those carriers of meaning that remind me what
I love are key to helping me achieve perspective. And even if I have no idea what gives me
meaning in the sense of my life as a whole, I can certainly find pieces of it through
those carriers that herald meaning on a smaller scale.
As I type this, my attention is drawn to my little Westie
dog who is reclining on the couch for his afternoon nap. His whole body is in repose only to jerk
suddenly and snap at a fly that has made a mission of tormenting him. After several attempts, he gives up and sits
up looking at me expectantly. I try to
delete the offending creature but to no avail, so I do what brings him meaning; I pull his still warm
bedding from the dryer, and he settles down in its warm folds to try
again. My boxer cares not a bit about
such things as pesky flies. Warm bedding
is to her the height of luxury. And when
I do this simple thing for both my canines the meaning they derive from that
warmth is that their mom loves them.
Doing this for them and watching them luxuriate brings a smile and a
sense of accomplishment with the knowledge that I am needed. So, I guess meaning comes not just from what
we derive from something that comes our way; it also happens when we provide
meaning to others.
It has been a rough summer.
Recovery from surgery for me and the need to once again attack weight
that has crept on with wonky hormones and inability to exercise, major back
traumas for my hubby, financial uncertainties as I move out from under the
umbrella of protection afforded by academic endeavors, and concerns about not
being able to find work that is fulfilling and allows me to do what I am so
very good at, all contributed to a summer of continual waves, and it is still
only July! BUT I am looking for meaning,
friends. And what I am seeking is
beauty. That is the meaning I need imparted to me. I am looking for beauty that will help me to
remember life is not just struggle.
Remember the analogy about the lion, the cliff, and the
strawberry I shared some time ago?
Manning shares an analogy about, I believe, a monk who is being chased
by a lion. He runs to the edge of a
cliff and starts going down a rope. At
the bottom of the rope are jagged rocks where he might impale himself. He chooses to get away from the lion and go down
the rope where, on his way down he sees a strawberry. Mid descent he stops on that rope and eats
that big fat strawberry.
The lion is the past chasing us, the jagged rocks are the
future, but if we are not careful, we will miss the strawberry in the
present. I am looking for the
strawberry. The jagged rocks will or won’t
be there, regardless. The past is done
and is what it is, but the present is where I can find the sumptuous if only I
look.
So, I am listening to The
Swan from the Carnival of Animals, and I am looking for strawberries once
again, because their meaning is reward, contentment, and hope for me. Where are your strawberries?
Blessings
L
