The above is a little pug that showed up on our doorstep the other night. She was wet, hungry, and very lost. We took her in, fed her, and gave her a place in our garage. We spent the next morning running interference between our dogs and our little visitor as we tried to figure out what to do. We wanted to see if she had a chip but did not want to have to leave her at the shelter. We knew we could not take on another dog with our particular situation and the three animals we already have. I spent the morning very unsettled and conflicted, praying Abba would help us find her home.
Finally, at noon we drove to the shelter to see if it was
open before hauling her in. Chris came back
to the car after a few minutes with a smile on his face. The owner had been in a few minutes before
and was frantic to find his dog. We met
Angel’s family at our house and a wondrous reunion ensued. I stood back watching the situation smiling
to myself, thinking that in the midst of all the messes I see around me,
SOMETHING worked out to the positive.
Now I admit I am not really a “silver linings” person by
nature, but I make a real attempt in everyday life to cultivate the
practice. Still, life sometimes sees so bleak,
and help is always so many hills away that it seems unattainable. I know what it is like to be drowning in
circumstance. And when I’m drowning, if
someone is standing on the shoreline, dry and firmly anchored, telling me to
pin a smile on my face, I want to grab them, pull them in, and then tell THEM
to pin a smile on THEIR face. So do not misunderstand this blog...I'm not telling anyone to pin a smile on.
After all the detailing I have done on the topic of
joy, I know that in the midst of the proverbial undertow, there is solid
ground. I know there is, but it never
resembles what I think it will. I find
that when I am drowning in life, Abba sends what I need to survive. He rarely plucks me from the mess, though, something
I tend to think he should do. He gives
me what I need to pause, catch my breath, and begin to confidently swim through
it, one stroke at a time.
I have worked with families for many years that have a loved
one who is mentally ill and refuses to “deal”.
Most of what I do is give permission for those family members to draw
lines with that loved one. See
boundaries keep that mentally ill loved one from dragging the entire family
down with him or her. I can give
permission, because I have a mental illness.
I know what it is to be drowning in crazy, but I also know to grab hold
of a branch when it is extended, and I know it is possible to choose to stay on
the shoreline rather than continually jump back in. I have done it.
Families need to have permission to refuse to be taken out
when that loved one continues to jump over and over again into
instability. What families forget is
that each member plays a role, a vital part to the familial unit and there
should be balance. When sickness occurs
with one individual the entire unit becomes consumed with the person and trying
to get him or her back to health if possible.
But with mental illness, there is no cure, no relief, so if that person
who is mentally ill refuses to take on his or her responsibility in the
situation, imbalance continues.
Eventually the familial unit that has been bending past normal flexibility
begins to crack. Divorce happens, other
children in the unit begin to display behavioral problems, and other family
members begin to develop health problems. So here it is, for my friends who have a
mentally ill person in their family. If
you had a friend who was in your situation, and you could see that person’s
entire family was imploding because the person with a mental health problem
refused to take responsibility for his or her illness, what would you tell your
friend?
Let us say you are a member of my family. I have weight issues, but instead of watching
my diet, I go to you and tell you to diet for me. What would you tell me? Seriously?
If I am a diabetic and I tell you that it’s not fair that I am a
diabetic, so I want YOU to take my insulin for me, what would you say? If I have cancer and I don’t want to deal
with chemo, but I want you to do it for me, what would be your response?
A person with a mental illness is no different than the
overweight person, the diabetic, or the person with cancer in the sense that
the treatment cannot be willed to another member of the family no matter how much desired. Now, with a diabetic, we know that doctor
would not allow that, and the ramifications of taking insulin in a correctly
functioning body could be deadly; same with cancer and chemo. But here is the deal...the treatment for
mental illness, whatever that is, must be taken on by the person
afflicted. When the rest of the family
takes on the responsibility, the ineffectiveness of that continual action
begins to destroy the rest of the family.
Am I making sense here? If you
make the decisions for that mentally ill person; if you continually enable that
person by excusing, coddling, or just flat out hold on too tight, you are
taking his or her insulin. You are
taking his or her chemo. Stop it! It’s going to take you all out.
It is so difficult for parents to draw boundaries with their
mentally ill children. Heck, it’s hard
for parents to draw boundaries with their healthy children these days. I empathize with the guilt that goes with the
illness in a child. But I’m going to lay
out a cold hard truth here, and I hope that if it resonates with you, you will
know that I am saying this because I care...
I loved my mom and dad so much that I was not willing to
pull them in with me over and over. I had no idea if I was going to survive my illness. But I
had Abba to cling to, and he helped me find ways to sustain stability. Still, had
I not had that, I would have expected, still expect, my family to draw very
hard lines with me regardless. If I do
not take care of my mental health; if I do not continue to try to adjust
medications, relationships, and environment until I find something that helps
keep me on the shoreline, I EXPECT them to walk away from me. I have their word that they will do
that.
If your child, specifically an
adult child, is unwilling to take responsibility for his or her illness,
because “I need my manias”, then you have to draw some boundaries. That person is an addict just as if he or she
were on drugs. The high is very similar,
and with some, mania last for months.
Those of you who have been through this kind of situation know the
devastation that can occur in that period of time.
You must look at what that person’s illness is doing to
you. If you are in no way impacted, then
by all means, carry on, but in all the years and many many families I have
worked with, I have never found any that were impervious. Set some boundaries, and if you need help
with that, contact me. I can help you
get started. But it is imperative that
there aren’t multiple casualties. If you
do not do this, you cannot blame that mentally ill person for what you
lose. You have no one to blame but
yourself. And one day you will realize
that you are unhealthy, that you have not laughed in a very long time, and you
can no longer even see silver linings. I
don’t want that for you. That is not an
imperative of coping with mental illness.
No matter what you may think, no matter the grief you may encounter,
Abba does not desire you go down with the ship, especially when the ship itself
has the potential of not sinking but is choosing to go ahead and sink
anyway.
L
Lael8@yahoo.com
