I don't actually enjoy arguing. I find it a waste of time and rather frustrating. My husband, on the other hand, loves to argue for the sake of arguing...until it gets fractious. But sometimes it is necessary to go after a topic and pursue it until it has been beaten to death (the topic that is...not either of the participants). I have learned over the years, in the intellectual academic circles I have run in, how to argue in a detached manner. And psychology has trained me wonderfully to turn situations around to my advantage by continually throwing an attack right back at the other person in the form of a question. I have a quick mind and easy access to a rather large repertoire of vocabulary, so I generally stay neutral in an argument while probing the other person's ideologies.
BUT...It is not the same with one's husband...At least not with mine. There is this need to allow the other person to really know you, to know how you feel about a topic, and whether logical or not, there is a desire that you and that one you love are on the same page about things, so when you are not, well, at least for me, I find I'm rather passionate in my presentation.
I have learned over the years that my ability to level a field is rather significant and a really bad idea, because it creates enemies and hurts people, so I have constructed boundaries that exist to keep me from saying that one thing I cannot take back. When fighting with a loved one there has to be rules. There has to be a line drawn that both parties refuse to cross. Because even though, "I'm sorry" will cover much, it does not take back that one thing that was said by the person who loves us and knows our weak point and what we most dislike about ourselves.
Personally, I believe fighting fair is a learned thing, and I also believe that fighting is part of a healthy relationship. We have too many passive-aggressive people in our society who have never learned that fighting does not make a person bad, it makes them significant. What I mean by that is that when you are willing to fight for something you believe in, and fight fair, your stance and beliefs become significant as does your place in the world, and there is no place for manipulation which is so deadly to relationships.
I am learning how to fight with my husband. One has to consider personality and background because they certainly have an impact. Both of us are intelligent, hotblooded, and stubborn, though I would admit to being much more animated than he when putting my point across. I blow hot very quickly about things (I'm blaming it on the German) and am over it rather quickly. I'm like a volcano that has to periodically spout off. He tends to be more like a pressure cooker, building and building until one day he just explodes.
I am learning that he is only deaf when it comes to everyday things, but in a fight situation his hearing become quite acute, and suddenly most everything I say becomes yelling to him. It's a mystery to me how that happens, but I'm going to become a verbal fight ninja, implementing my side of the argument with a whisper. I'm not sure what his strategy will be but I am certainly interested to find out!
I was thinking about this topic yesterday as I was running some errands. What I decided was that at 40 years old we are both very much shaped by what has come our way in life, and that is a good thing. We do not tend to waffle on beliefs, because we have had time to test drive them. We are secure in who we are, having spent some time throwing out what we don't want and hanging on to what we do. I believe that keeping an open mind to the other person's perceptions and stances on matters is valuable, because if you can't entertain ideologies from the person you are closest to, how will you ever stretch? My husband challenges me to think and to be a better person. That does not mean I change what I believe and go with what he does. What it forces me to do is to reassess what I believe to make sure it IS what I really believe. And I so appreciate that he is able to challenge me in that way.
