As many of you may know, actor Lee Thompson Young passed
away this week. He was 29, and it is
apparent that he shot himself. There was
no suicide note, and people who knew him are trying to make sense of why he
would do such a thing. He, apparently, evidenced
nothing that would indicate he was in distress and had no history of drug or alcohol
abuse.
I have been pondering this for nearly a week now, and a
couple things stand out for me about this horrible tragedy. The first is that society automatically
associates suicide with substance abuse; meaning that suicide is a result of
substance abuse. The second is that we
never really know what another person is going through.
I have mentioned multiple times before that society likes to
put things in boxes. We are hard wired
to stereo type. So, in this case, if you
commit suicide you must be abusing substances.
The ignorance of this assumption incenses me. People
commit suicide because they are in a kind of distress that is palpable. In other words, the kind of pain a person who
commits suicide experiences transcends all rationale and identifiable
ideologies about pain. If you have been
there you know just what I mean, and if you have not, invest your time in being
thankful to have dodged a bullet rather than positing about that which you know
nothing.
I know I have mentioned before this idea that a person who
commits suicide is a coward. So, I
wonder how many of the general populous that support this philosophy could put
a gun to their heads and pull the trigger.
It is not cowardice. It is the
ultimate level of desperation and despair.
The person who is able to do such a thing has reached a place where they
truly believe with every fiber that there is no way through, and the level of
exhaustion that is evident in that moment saturates the physical and mental
through to the very soul.
My point here is that we need, as a society, to quit making
assumptions about what a person in distress should look like. If we have somehow absorbed the ideology that
a person who commits suicide is someone who is a drug addict or alcoholic, then
we will miss all the warning signs of the person who does neither and is
standing on a ledge ready to jump. Stop
looking at what you are told and start paying attention to things about those
that are around you that just do not fit with their usual patterns. If you see something wonky about someone in
your life, communicate with them and be genuine, because you may be the only
life line that can keep them on that ledge and not in free fall.
And as a side note, people assume that addicts commit
suicide. Sometimes that happens, but
that is not always the norm. What I mean
is that suicide is not the goal—ecstasy, maybe; escape, likely. Sometimes they lose track of what they have
taken and take more. Sometimes they
simply think that they can handle what they are taking, and sometimes their bodies
have reached a point where they can no longer process the substance being
taken. It’s not always about the addict
trying to kill him/herself.
When I think of this young man who ended his life, I am
saddened because of the tragic loss of his life, but I am also saddened because
there are too many out there struggling to keep from ending things. Life sometimes becomes a daily uphill climb without
respite, and the fight just drains the person of his or her will to live. And then there are those of us who have
chronic mental illness. Such illnesses
automatically weaken the fabric of stamina it takes to move through life.
I have dealt with suicide in my life for two decades. I have said many times that it is a back door
out of a crowded room. It is always an
option. Sometimes it is up front and
center, but, thankfully these days, most of the times it is a shadow down the
hall.
Still, there are times when what is happening in the outside
world and what is happening in my inner world slam into each other and the
essence of who I am is sandwiched between the two, suffocating. When that happens the heart beat of who I am,
the very fabric of my person begins to die off, unable to move, unable to cry
out, unable to do anything but slowly fade away. And that is why I have been very willing to
end my life. The pain of being slowing
crushed between the two worlds is quite literally more painful than ending it
all.
I know that Abba loves me, and even at such times when I am
fading away, I know this. I have heard
over and over from pious idiots that you will go to hell if you commit
suicide. I have never experienced
condemnation during such times. He has
never been anything but gentle and loving to me. When I use my last breath to cry out to him,
he is there, saving me. I don’t know
how. I don’t know what happens. Memory fails in such times of complete
devastation and despair, but I know that I am still here because of him. Ultimately, there is no other reason.
I have had periods of time when I told my mom I could no
longer fight the illnesses ruling my life.
Years and years of trying to find stability and never quite getting
there ruined me. I could no longer climb
the hill every day. I remember telling
her that I was sorry, but I could no longer fight, and she said she knew
that. She knew I was going to end it
all, and she understood. That is why my
mom is the most important person in this life.
The best, most incredible person I know, and though I suspended action
for her, I would also be more than willing to die for her.
If you are reading my blog right now, and you think you have
it all figured out about suicide and your are placing judgment on something you
have no knowledge of, watch yourself. I mention
having no knowledge because those who have experienced suicidal tendencies are
no longer willing to judge on this subject.
Rather often they are amazed and humbled that they ended up in such a place. I say watch yourself because, looking at the
statistics, there is an indication that either you or someone you love will
deal with suicidal ideations at some point.
And if you can’t seem to wrap your head around this different idea about
suicide, relax; most likely at some point something will happen that will wrap
your head around the idea for you.
I am thinking of Lee Thompson Young’s mom right now, and I
am so sad for her. To lose a child in
this way would be devastating. It seems
that it has come as a surprise for those who knew him. We are not privy to the details, as should be
the case, so there is no way to know if there were chronic issues, but regardless,
my prayers are with his family. People
do not randomly kill themselves. So,
there had to have been mental health issues, possibly depression. We want to understand why. But sometimes there are no answers, and we
are left with the aftermath. That is
just the way it is.
For my part, being in the particular situation I am in, I have
an automatic program I have installed over many years of dealing with suicide
that forces a very strong consideration of my parents and siblings and what my
decision might do to impact their lives, and it helps tremendously in choosing to
abstain. There was a time, as I
mentioned previously, where my illness was draining my family both financially
and emotionally, and I was taking them down with me. There was no possible remedy in sight, and that
was the time when I very nearly made a permanent decision. I know many believe suicide is selfish, but
aren’t we all selfish? On a daily basis
we naturally look out for #1? It takes a
big stretch on a regular basis to put others before self. So, why expect more from the person in major
crisis? Because it’s permanent? Come on.
It is selfish, but so is buying yourself a pair of shoes when your kids
need new ones. So is going to the
baseball game or a concert when your neighbor can’t pay his or her bills. Who is to say what choice a person should
make when you have not been there. We shape the definition to fit our comfort
level.
So I propose we make an attempt to not draw conclusions
about others; that we do not judge them based on our scale of ethics and
morality and invest our time in really looking at others, seeing their pain rather
than blindly looking over the tops of their heads, and make an effort to
provide any little bit of hope we can. If
we do that maybe the number of people committing suicide before their lives
have really begun will decrease and they will be able to move through their
despair and on into who they were always designed to be.
L
