I have been doing some heavy contemplating of late. Life seems to move at a frenetic pace, and
the more responsibilities or “roles” we have, the more challenging it is to “be”
rather than “do”. Merton (1955) posits that it
is fire that warms us not the smoke from fire.
It is not the wake of a ship that carries us over water but the ship itself. By comparison, what we are is found in the
depths of the soul not in what we do and how what we do looks. Merton goes on to explain that who we really
are is not found in the “impact of our being on the beings around us, but in
our own soul which is the principle of all our acts”.
I have been sitting here for some time pondering what that
means to me, to my life. I have felt
that I am continually being swept along in the tide of happenings outside
myself while I try to produce the best action possible. I know this is not the way. I know that in order to grow I must maintain
connection with my spiritual being in order to not only perceive changes in my
nature and supply action authentic to that nature but to stay fully tuned into
what Abba would have me do. I learned
many years ago that life is messy, and with every struggle the redemption comes
with the growth and wisdom I attain through letting Abba work in my life.
Merton’s words struck me as poignant, because it is so easy
for me to define myself based on how well I am handling each and every
situation thrown in my path, but who I am is rarely indicative of what I
do. That seems wrong to say, but so
often who I really am is not reflected in what I do. I often supply based on demand. You may think this confusing or even
contradictory. So let me give a personal
example I have come into contact with of late.
Here’s a big one; weight. If who I am is based on my weight or my
management of it then my nature is wishy-washy, indulgent, rigid, and
superficial. When I look at my innermost
being I do not see these characteristics as inherent to my nature. But I display them…So what gives?
I think what Merton
is expressing, or at least what I am taking as an interpretation, is that I am
not my weight, but it is a part of what I do.
My inner being desires to be healthy, but does it follow that health is
a particular size? What I do in regards
to my weight tends to be reflected in what I hear from others and what those
closest to me are doing. It works for
them, so it should work for me, right? They
are healthy at a certain size… so I should be too, right?
To expand on this example I can share an extended story…
One of my sisters lost a lot of weight on a diet that worked
very well for her. I decided I should
do it and get my weight off in much the way she did. What I found was that I was literally
starving, so much so that my brain became sluggish and I couldn’t track thought
processes. My husband finally stated he
didn’t marry a stupid skinny woman (my paraphrase) and would I please get some
food into my body so my IQ would return to its elevation. So, that diet was a wash. Some time later another of my sisters found great success
with another type of diet. I thought it
would work for me, and I could finally get to where I “should” be. So, I committed discipline and a substantial
amount of money to it and set off on another dietary journey. I hated the food, found I was continually
tied to the clock, and eventually, after three months, developed continual
hives. My husband intervened yet again
and told me I was beginning to look like a patchwork quilt and I better stop
it.
Now I am not submarining either diet. I know both work and have worked well for my
sisters. And, honestly, I lost a
cumulative 40 pounds on the two diets.
But my body and really my soul were not down with either program. I have continued to weigh to make sure I am
keeping off what I lost, but I have begun to listen to my inner being and that
is where I am finding direction from Abba as he speaks to that inner part of me
and helps me find my way past the mirror, the scale, and the success stories of
others to a place where I am understanding my body and the impact of food on
it.
I have discovered through all my “doing” that sugar is not
good for me. I know that I cannot be
tied to a timeframe but must be able to hear my body when it needs
sustenance. I know I require a variety
of foods as options even if I tend to stick to the same things. I suppose the ultimate goal is to line “doing”
up with “being” so that the two aspects are in sync, but that does not always
happen. So often I have heard people say
that your weight is not who you are.
Yeah, whatever. It has always
seemed to me a direct reflection of physiology, lack of discipline, and
possibly something deeply psychological.
But I am discovering that, as with many things, my weight (light, heavy,
or just so) is not the issue. The issue
is what I do to impact it, and even more is the question, “Is what I am doing a
direct reflection of my inner being, or am I so fixated on doing to provide a
result that I am ignoring being?” In
other words, when I have my plain non-fat yogurt with fruit and Truvia, is my
being content with that, and do I enjoy it?
Or is it simply a direction I am taking so I can look in the mirror and
say, “Your are as thin as your sisters?”
In the past few months I have experienced major roadblocks
in my doctoral journey, financial uncertainties, health issues in many of my
family members, death, nearly losing my dogs to a gum mishap, and many other
stresses that come with the messiness of living that have all resulted in one
overriding hindrance: Fear. But, having seen the power of Abba work in my
own single journey through mental illness and continual brushes with death, I
know that the truth of it all is that my innermost being is protected by a
power I really cannot explain. And if I
look outside my spirit to the daily happenings and striving to ameliorate them,
I only come up against the fear that what I “do” is never enough. Who I am is bought and paid for with a grace
I cannot fathom or replicate, and so I am learning to accept. And in this season of being thankful I am
looking at those I love from my innermost being past what they all “do” to who
they are. This allows me to ignore
offenses and to simply enjoy loving them and being loved by them as I work towards
lining up what I do with who I am.
Blessings,
L
Merton, T. (1955). No man is an island. New York, NY: Dell Publishing Co.
