The Sweetest 16

My first niece turns 16 today.  I’m amazed I am that old.  I’m amazed her parents are that old!  (Smile).  I have a special bond with my Bug (as I nicknamed her when she was a wee thing), because she is the eldest of four and I am the eldest of five.  Perhaps I can understand better than anyone in her young life what it is like to be the eldest.  It is a tough job—Not to say the other positions in sibling birth order are not challenging.  Each has its perks and non-perks, but there is a straddling position that occurs in the eldest child the others do not have to accommodate.

I have done some studies over the years on birth order, because as a psychologist, I am fascinated with behavior, and who better to pick apart than my own familial unit!  The eldest child is the experimental child, the one parents are trying theories out on, the one parents are the most inexperienced with, and the one who generally gets to experience the immaturity of parents who have not yet accumulated the years of wisdom that comes with aging.  Many young parents have their first child in their early and mid twenties.  The brain doesn’t even fully finish maturing until the mid twenties, so it is not difficult to see parents are often out of their depth with their first child as they are still growing up themselves.

I have to say up front that I think my parents were fantastic parents as I think Bug’s parents have been to her, but if I were to summarize my childhood in terms of my role in my home, it would have to be captioned with “confusion”.  I was sometimes the parent, told to watch out for my siblings and discipline them for my parents—another set of eyes and ears, but was also told rather often I was “not the mom”, and not to tattle.  I was often privy to conversations beyond my years and often was aware of too many of the stresses that went on in our home when, perhaps, I should have not been aware.  I never labored under the illusion that all was right and tranquil in life.  I had a very profound sense of reality and knew that life is not rose colored from a very early age.  I was also conditioned early on that I was the leader and had to set an example for my other siblings.  Anything I might do, they would likely follow, and not only that, but I had the power to make life smooth or miserable for them depending on the choices I made, especially in high school.  I also think that as the first one, my parents were more strict with me and were sometimes harder on me, their expectations a bit higher simply because they had not yet learned what to expect and how strict was too strict or not strict enough.

CBS News did a profile on sibling birth order and traits they tend to demonstrate.  The traits in the eldest child tend to be:  Natural leaders, reliable, conscientious, perfectionists, and they don’t like surprises, often aggressive, but can be compliant people pleasers, model children who have a strong need for approval from anyone in charge. 

http://www.cbsnews.com/2100-500172_162-511694.html

Now, that is not to say ALL first borns have only these traits or that they even have them at all, but I would say I have most of those traits, and mostly, I think, I have come out ahead not only because of the traits referenced above but because of my position in my family. 

Hmmm.  So far this sounds as though I am poo-hooing being the eldest.  So, here is what is great about being the eldest:  You get to be first, you get the new stuff first, you get to be in charge, you get to be challenged, you get to protect and defend your siblings Rambo Style if need be, and you get to know your parents first, while they are young and not worn out (Smile).  And you get the first car, hopefully, if all goes according to the way it SHOULD.  You develop character for miles.  You learn to be a diplomat.  You learn how to excel and achieve beyond expectations, and you get to be the one they call “big sister or brother”. 

Now, back to my little Bug.  Emma, you have far exceeded my example of what a big sister is and how to be an eldest child.  You have so much grace and compassion, and you are truly a joy to be around.  You have so much living to do, so here are a few tips from your oldest auntie…

Be sure to laugh and mostly at yourself in a way that allows you to lighten up and make mistakes.

Be okay with failing sometimes, because through failing comes the good stuff…The stuff that makes us awesome.

Remember that your parents will always need you to remind them of what great parents they are, because sometimes they will forget that.

Know that the best friends you will ever have can be your siblings.  I know from experience that there is no more powerful bond outside of marriage than the one I have with your aunties and your uncle.

But also know that as you get older your parents can be your best friends too and your relationship with them will change over time to become a very wonderful and special thing.

Remember that being alone is okay…Even being lonely is not fun, but it is okay and better than being with someone just to say you are.

Know that your worth as a woman is not defined by the outside world but by what God shows you about yourself, what you are, and who you are in Him.

Believe that you are never too dumb, that you do not have all the answers, and that wisdom often comes with watching and listening rather than acting and speaking.

Remember you WILL make mistakes…But “tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it”.

Always know you are loved by people who will never take their love away.

Always remember that there is nothing too great for God to work with and through.

You are a priceless jewel, and I’m so excited to see the next leg of your journey.  Your birthday present is waiting…But don’t drive your folks to distraction about getting it (smile).

I love you Bug,

Your Auntie