My experience with God was tied to rules for many years. I did not begin to understand until much later that God's first design for my life was to understand that he loves me. That was so hard for me to get, because I had painted a picture of him as this being with a rule book in one hand, a long wipe in the other, and a scowl on his face. After years of mental illness, fighting a battle for my own mind and being told by individuals in churches that I was not welcome or that I was possessed, I walked away from the church structure. I walked away from what I had always thought God to be and into an experience with grace so profound it would forever change my perception of God.
During one of the darkest and most insane times of my life God promised me I would have an encounter with grace, and it would leave me in possession of its relevance over religion. Some time later I was standing on the edge of the continent watching the Arctic Ocean, angry and black as waves reached so high they seemed to touch the edge of the horizon as they rolled out. The starkness of Barrow, Alaska, with the fall wind blowing in, and the grayness of the landscape gave me a sense of the awesomeness of nature and how very small and insignificant I was in it all. And I was afraid.
It was then grace settled on me like a soft snow fall. I felt calmed and serene in the midst of the natural violence I was experiencing. I realized that no matter how bleak my storm, no matter how big or distant God seems to me, nothing can take me away from his grace, and that grace exists because of his love for me. From that point forward, my ideas about who God was changed drastically. He was no longer God to me but Abba, which is the Hebrew for father or daddy. I finally understood that my role in the world was not to count how many times I entered the church doors, how many souls I managed to herd to heaven, or even how many of the rules I managed to keep. My role in the world was very simple just as my walk with him was to be. My role was to love others, while loving Abba with all my body, mind, soul, and spirit. I was not to walk in fear or condemnation, which is so often the hinge for following rules and for pious religion.
I walk in hope, not by my sight or what others say is my walk. I listen for Abba's leading in my life and I endeavor to follow. I know I fail, but that is what grace for. Now, please understand, I am not against church or going. I believe in a place to worship Abba, but I am not tied to it any longer through guilt, obligation, and legalism. I walk in freedom and the knowledge that my job is simple...I am to love my neighbor...And I am open to whatever it takes to accomplish that. I figure it will take a lifetime and more to achieve that task.
Church has not saved me, because it cannot. It is a structure filled with other human beings, and in mind, often focused on producing rather than loving. Religion has not saved me, because it cannot. It is a cage that can easily trap the weary soul looking for answers. Grace saved me, because it can. Grace is the extension of Abba's love that covers, comforts, endorses, and pardons. Got grace?
L
