One of the things I have noticed about turning 40 is that people take stock. Then they make "to do" lists. While I appreciate the concept, I confess I have never been a big resolution person. Some people are good at such things, even center blogs around their lists. But while I am a list person (going to Walmart without a list means becoming lost for hours in commercial hell, only to emerge several hours later with four carts of junk and a yak), I do not find it helpful to create life lists. For one thing stuff happens. Invariably, the moment I have myself psychologically primed to lose some weight, I am invited to a five star dinner with chocolate as the main course.I have discovered over the years that I must look at change in my life with baby steps in mind and with a long term view. Once I decided I wanted to begin losing weight I realized I had to make a life change that incorporated a new way of living, not an achievement I would cross off a list and move on. So, over the past ten years I have lost 90 pounds. It has been very slow, and there have been steps back, but I have learned about my body, mind, and how it all fits together in terms of being healthy. I would have liked to have achieved my desired weight goal by 40 but that isn't happening. Instead I gained (along with 5 pounds) a husband, two boys, two dogs, a house, and a new car. So, I just remind myself that I'm a work in process and I move forward.
I'm a big fan of positive psychology. I have done a lot of work with it over the years, and I have seen how taking a situation an reframing it by looking at it from a different angle helps make it more manageable and more positive. I think that if one is bent on making lists there needs to be an element of the reframe involved, so that when that goal isn't achieved and nothing can be crossed off the list, there isn't a total derail. Often what happens when a person makes a "to do" life list, they end up focusing so much on getting it done they forget why they are doing it in the first place. The need to accomplish the list is often overshadowed by the failure to do so, and there is no connection to why it was being done in the first place.
John C. Maxwell wrote a book called "Failing Forward". I have become a big fan of the ideology. Life is not about not failing. Everyone fails. It's about knowing you will fail and choosing to fail forward so that failure creates successes. When I fail, rather than look at it as my screwing things up again, I must look at the situation as part of a journey to becoming a better me. Sounds like a pat answer I know, so here is an example:
I have decided I need to not be so direct when dealing with my husband. I know that when I do I can say things that hurt his feelings, pinpoint assumptions that are inaccurate, and create issue that might simply dissipate if I were to keep my mouth shut instead. I fail on this every day. I continue to spew when I should contain. That last sentence provides the logistics of my failure, but I have found something interesting through the process, a benefit to continually failing. I am getting better at saying those three little works..."I am sorry." I am learning to say them more quickly too. I have, in the past, taken much time to work up to that short little sentence. I am failing forward. I am procuring something good from what seems like continual failure.
Now don't get me wrong...I would love to not fail at anything...Seriously? That's just not realistic, and the truth be known, I don't make lists because I can get hung up on one thing for quite some time. I don't need the pressure of a list of things that herald my lack of accomplish and my continual failures to accommodate...failing forward or not.
So, to kick off my forties, there will be no lists. There will be life modifications that exist for the sole purpose of improving me as a human being. There will be failures that cause me to move forward in all areas, because if I'm gonna fail, I'd rather it be forward. There will be maintaining of that which benefits, an exit of that which does not benefit, and additions that edify.
Hmmm....Looks a bit like a list...
L
