Spring metaphor

I think spring may finally be here. I have the fever...the same one I have every year at this time; needing to get out and dig in the dirt so I might see what's new and fresh and growing green. I have managed to get most of the front lawn raked and have cleaned out amongst the perennials, eliminating the first layer of mulch...though I have left the roses buried just in case we have another freeze.

I guess the above is an appropriate metaphor for my life as well. I am digging around in last year's decay and the winter mulch to discover anything green and growing. I have gotten rid of so much that was old and of no use to me. But now I wait for the new, wondering if at some point, I am going to be able to make a decent living while continuing with school. I also want to be involved in the new church I have found, but that is an awful lot for my beat up mind to handle. I don't want to overdo my commitment area, as I tend to do while in hypo-manic state this time of year, but I also feel that the stressors of past are no longer a strain, so maybe I can handle all this. Hmmm. Time will tell I suppose.

Having a job is about to slide in front of school. I hate that that might be the case but there it is. I must have more income and need to work in my profession in a more social and sustantive level. I need to be able to accommodate medical needs when they arise, and that takes money.

So I am re-evaluating my situation and coming up with a hierarchy in terms of needs. Even making it to my disseration seems such a long way off. I think I am running out of steam in terms of academic achievements. It is not really the work. It is more that it never ends. I finish one endeavor only to be immediately catapolted into the next. I am working hard to stay on task with the past class and this next one. Neither are in my doctoral program, as I have changed programs. The program I was in was misrepresented to me and is geared for teachers who have been working in education. I am not a teacher, nor do I care to be one in primary or secondary education. Hence, the classes are geared toward someone who already knows the jargon and is looking for an extension of already existing experience. Not me, I fear. I am relegated to taking one more class in the program before switching to the program that better fits me. This class is on curriculum, and since I've no experience with said topic, this could get very interesting!

Heart desires

Tonight I went to church. For me the experience was a monumental one because I have issues with churches in general. As an individual with mental illness, I have come up against all manner of idiotic notions and perceptions about my illness, but none so blatant as those I have encountered after walking through the doors of a church.

They want to pray over me, or exorcise me (and I am NOT talking about taking me for a few laps around the parking lot, which I could actually use), or they simply feel I need to get "right" with God. All of which lead to me not being allowed to take part in the workings of the church...wouldn't want any of IT to rub off on anyone else. Sound bitter? Well I'm not...just dripping with finely honed sarcasm.

HOWEVER! I have found a church that is not that way. This church is looking to reach out and help others who are needing some help and I am all about that! I am not interested in pious living that takes me further away from my community. I think I may have found a home.

One of my sisters attends the church. I didn't tell her I was going tonight. I needed to have the whole experience for myself, and outside of a rather off pitch worship team who seem quite talented outside of intonation, I found the experience challenging and inviting. I like the pastor who is young and has a heart for helping others.

Because my history with churches is so very negative and dramatic over the whole of my lifetime, I needed some closure before I could really just let go of all the prejudice I experienced throughout. This past month seems to have been a month for letting go of baggage. I told my three-year relationship "so long," I let go of part time work and am looking to work full time in my field; I cut my hair off, I let go of needing to make everyone in my family happy in favor of tending to me and the things God is sending my way and working out in me; and now I am letting go of the church baggage.

I feel light and smoothly directed. I do not know where I am going, but I know God is in this transformation that has be wrought in me. It has not been painless. I miss my guy. I love him as ever and it hurts to have a hole in my life where he used to live, but I am free and that feels so good. I am refocused and I see now that when I don't have people in my life who really support what I do, they become a suckage to my energy and focus. I don't want that.

I hope most intensely that I may be used to help others. I have hopes and dreams of my own, but they are not what they once were, and there is so much more room for God's work in with the little things I would like to have. I would like a new car and a home with a green house, a place that is all mine with enough room that I can have people come stay with me. I want something quaint and durable, and I want it as an oasis to rebuild myself in order that I might go back out into the world to help others. There. I have said it. I don't want children. I don't need a man. In fact I am not even sure I can ever trust a man again; at least not with my heart. My dream is simple but it is authentic and honed. I believe God honors the desires of our hearts...when they belong to Him.

Today I had an interview for a job I am well suited to. We'll see what happens with it. I am very interested in it...obviously or I would not have applied...but I am willing to let it go if I don't get it. I think I am in a place right now where I am free to sort of go wherever the wind blows me. It has been a very long time since I have been in this kind of position without school or a man or both. My work on my doctorate is such that I may take it with me wherever I might land.

I am very keen on being able to sustain a living and have my own spot in the world. One takes such things for granted until they are no longer possible. For me, it has been many years since I have been independent and I believe I am finally, after over a decade, getting to the point where I believe and desire to venture out on my own a bit. Mental illness robs one of their ability to be certain of self. I liken the experience to standing on a three-legged stool. It is difficult to be certain of the stability of a three-legged stool, and it is difficult to build a foundation on such instability.

Nonetheless, I believe I have found stability and have sustained it over some period of time. I wouldn't want to take on too much all at once, which is my propension. I'll have to be wise in how I venture forth. The important thing is that I AM venturing forth.