I’m in a pit. Ever
been in a pit? It’s not a literal
pit. That would be easier to deal
with. The pit I’m talking about starts
out as a whole in the fabric of life that somehow widens to a point where you
fall through and then everything that is not resolved, on the horizon, or just
plain has to be addressed with skills you do not possess, falls in on top of
you.
As I am sitting here in the pit with all the things that I
cannot resolve and do not have answers for, I know one thing for certain...Abba
is already here. My head does not want
to acknowledge this. I am angry, and
struggling against “doing” rather than “being”, but I do know beyond all other
things that Abba has not abandoned me.
The reason I know should be easily ascertained. I have been in many pits before; pits much
deeper than the one I am in now. Pits
much darker and more laden with the debris from my messy life, and Abba was
there. I know because there was no way
out of those particular pits except through him. There was nothing my human intellect,
prowess, or gumption could do to get me out.
In those particular pits I was in possession of none of those
anyway. Only Abba could and did get me
out.
Still, I am sitting here once again wondering how I am where
I am. I think that I have walked in the
way I know is the best. I am not
perfect, but Abba does not ask for my perfection. He asks for my willingness, and I have
learned after so much time with him that when all things in life are swaying
back and forth, moving like objects on a boat deck in a storm, He is the one
fixed and unmovable point in my world.
He does not move from my life, pack up his bags and take off saying, “Man,
this kid is a mess, and I want nothing to do with it”. He is an ever fixed mark on my very uncertain
horizon, in my very uncertain real time moments.
I am a pattern person.
As a behaviorist, I see patterns in people and behaviors. I see patterns in human exchanges and
motivations. I rarely find a plot line I
cannot figure out, mainly because writers tend to follow patterns with their
story lines. I see patterns in the habits
and actions of those I live with, and I see patterns in me as well, though that
is more difficult due to lack of objectivity.
I also see a pattern in my spiritual life. I have a time of spiritual breakthrough where
I make a gigantic leap of faith that results in major spiritual growth. Then I am bombarded with all the messiness of
life that causes me to begin to question who I am, what I have done, why I do
what I do, and so on...you get the picture.
From there I can either freak out, which I seem to have a zip line to,
of I can stand back and go to Abba. It
used to be I would freak out and pretty much stay in freak out mode indefinitely
until I literally fragmented into little pieces. But these days I freak out for a bit and then
go to Abba with all my worries and fears.
That is better. But I would so
love to skip freak out mode and go straight to him.
Here is something else I know. I have a very specific educational background
and skill set. It makes me somewhat
unemployable in the mainstream workforce.
That really alarms me, because I have a tremendous amount of school debt
I am responsible for. But I know that
Abba moved me through the impossible to help me acquire the skill sets I have,
so I know he has something in mind.
How? Well I choose to trust he
has a plan for my life. I trust that he
will not waste me, and the reason I know this possibly with more certainty than
another person might is that he has plucked me from the jaws of death more than
once. So, I know there is a reason I am
still here on the planet. And to be
frank, it is not because I have been enjoying life all that much over the past
40 years. Heaven, in my mind, is much
more appealing. If you believe in
heaven, you will identify with what I am saying, I think. But here I am, still kicking, and I cannot
believe Abba wastes his children’s lives.
If I am seeking his will in my life, then he will make straight my path,
and I know he will never forsake me.
BUT, sometimes it is difficult to remember. The weight of responsibility, the
disillusionment of being a hamster running on the same wheel over and over and
never really getting anywhere, feeling as though I catch the merest of breaths
before I am hit with yet another wave, all make me very tired and depleted of
(back to this word again) joy. I am not
joyful at present, not in the traditional sense, but here is a revelation...
Even though life sucks at present; even though I do not
understand why I have done what I have done only to be at a door that opens into
a brick wall, I have a peace and calm. I
did not have that an hour ago. I did
some spiritual reckoning, and I simply gave up my need to control and claw my
way out of the pit. I simply said, “Ok,
here is my mess. I have made mistakes,
but for the most part, I have done what you asked. I am angry; very angry that I am in this
place, but I trust you, and I love you.”
That was my prayer. And as I sit
here typing this I have a calm and peace that has not existed in quite some
time. That is how I define joy at
present.
So, no matter what happens; if I’m the most educated
housekeeping person on the planet, the least lucrative writer online, or the
domesticate with unreal behavioral assessment skills, I will seek to be content
in all. I do not understand why things
do not work out or why they work out as they do, but at the end of my tantrum I
have to accept that I’m just not going to understand, and I am going to choose
to trust that Abba does.
If you are in a pit, whatever is falling on you, or however
deep that pit is, whether you agree with me or no; whether you believe me or
no, I cannot make you change your mind, but you are not alone. It’s your journey, and I have my own. I am a very slow learner, so who am I to
posit an opinion into someone else’s journey, but I do know that Abba is
already in the pit. I know that he is
not afraid of my mess or your mess. He
is not afraid; simply that. HE is not
afraid, no matter how much you and I are.
And, one of the things I valued most in my dad growing up was his
ability, no matter how afraid I might be, to not be afraid and to reassure me
that everything was going to be fine. He
still does that for me. How much more
can my Abba do that for me? Infinitely
beyond my reckoning...and yours.
Peace
L
