I have been contemplating the concept of conflict. It seems we tend to run from conflict, like
having it is an indication that relationships are going south. We are in a culture that demonstrates either
passive-aggression or flat out hostility, and somewhere in there conflict has
been touted as the thing to avoid, because avoidance seems better than flat out
war.
As a leadership psychologist, I have come to view conflict
as a very necessary component of a healthy organization. An organization
experiencing conflict is in the throes of change, and change propagates growth,
innovation, open communication, and overall health. BUT!
It has to be handled in a healthy manor.
Conflict is
part of social life and is ubiquitous in organizations, because people work
closely with one another (Ergeneli, Camgoz, & Karipinar, 2010).
Just as there are different personalities and
motivations in people there are different types of conflicts that arise,
requiring different styles of conflict management. Avoidance
is a conflict style that chooses not to pursue the desires and goals or desires
and goals of others in a conflict (Shockley-Zalabak, 2009). Competition
style pursues personal desires and goals without considering those of
others (Shockley-Zalabak, 2009). Compromise style works to balance
between goals and desires of those involved and the tasks at hand
(Shockley-Zalabak, 2009). Accommodation
style is willing to sacrifice personal desires and goals in order to
stabilize relationships, and collaboration
style looks to an equal input and participation from all members in order
to accomplish a task (Shockley-Zalabak, 2009).
I realize these styles are in relation to organizations, but there is
individual meaning here. So, let’s pare
it down to the individual. In your
relationships do you avoid conflict, choosing to “stuff” issues with the other
person until resentment festers? Do you
enjoy conflict with others, because it allows you to “win”? Or do you seek to find the compromise in
conflict situations? What about
accommodation? Do you continually lay
the desires of your heart on the thin white line between that other person and
you in order to have a modicum of peace?
Or do you find you seek collaboration in your relationships where you
try to engage that other person to problem solve jointly?
Maybe you don’t know where you fall in the conflict style
continuum. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Want to know whether it matters or not? Look back over your past relationships, both
personal and professional. How many of
them have lasted? How many of the
relationships cause you resentment when you think of them or make you
angry? How many healthy relationships do
you have that have endured—By healthy I mean, those with open communication
that you and the other person invest in equally?
Conflict should be a good thing.
Remember getting leg aches when you were a child? Doctors often said they were growing
pains. Well that is what conflict is. It stretches your experience, it improves and
grows your relationship, and if you are on board you will stretch with it. And here is the thing…Most of us do not know
how to handle conflict, and part of that is that we associate it with another “c”
word…confrontation, and for the majority of people confrontation is something
to be avoided as much as possible.
Part
of the reason conflict and confrontation are avoided is that we tend to think
of them as bad. But actually, as I
discussed previously, conflict is valuable for growth, and confrontation is
necessary to kick start dealing with an issue.
There is an ideology out there that confrontation is about going in
angry and dealing in a hostile manner. It
doesn’t need to be that way. Confrontation
is an extension of conflict. Conflict is
a clash of wills, and confrontation is the face to face encounter
(Meriam-Webster, 2012). Simple as that.
Now wait…before you say, “I’m not afraid of confrontation!” Think a minute. When was the last time you were in a situation
where there was a conflict? You knew it
was coming, felt it in that gut kind of way, and yet you let it go because you
didn’t want to deal with it; didn’t want to "get it all over you”. So what happened? Did it magically disappear? That rarely happens I’m afraid. Such an issue won’t even be the metaphorical
elephant in the room. Quite often the
issue that has been left unattended festers and becomes a bomb waiting for detonation. And like the initial friction, so often all
it takes to detonate that bomb is a word.
Suddenly, there are casualties all over the place, not the least of which,
your relationship. But the fallout often
extends much further. In work, other
employees are impacted. In personal
relationships other friends, your children, and other family members are
hit.
To be fair, it is important to point out that our tendency to be
passive or avoidant in conflict is not so much about a character flaw as it is
about sociological conditioning and considering what the cost will be if we do
get into a confrontation. Position,
marriage, income, and paradigm shift are so often potential ramifications of
confrontation. Bottom line…There is a
lot to lose. So, how do we get it to
work? Here are some thoughts on that
front:
1. As soon as there is the
slightest inkling of a conflict, get more information. Often clarification is all it takes to
ameliorate a potential conflict. Above
all else, communicate!
2. Did I say communicate? Communicate!
Ask questions like, “Did I understand you correctly here?”, or “Am I
understanding this correctly?”
3. Expedience is key to keeping
a conflict under control. Get with that
person and hash it out.
4. Be emotionally
intelligent. Keep your emotions in check. Emotions are like little gremlins, and when
you let them have free reign, they will destroy whatever they get hold of. Read the other person’s body language to see
if they are receptive. Give them time to
respond.
5. Listen. Instead of going in with the idea of being
heard, go in with the idea of listening to understand and see where YOU might
have gotten things in a twist.
6. Ask for input. This is how you remain objective. You need to see the other side of the chess
board before making a move or landing on a reaction. So get information. You can always react and lose your mind on
this person down the road if you feel it necessary. But, just maybe, you can salvage the
situation at the gate instead of letting it develop into a two headed
monster.
7. Above all else remember the
value of this person in your life, whether it be personal or professional. Our network of exchanges with others extends
into a wide web, and there are reasons why those in our web are there. They fill a place. If we cut them out, there will be a hole that
a worse opposition may fill.
8. Don’t walk away until every
option has been exhausted. If you cannot
see the value of working things out with a person you really don’t care for,
consider the process an exercise in learning how to deal with conflict so that
down the road you will have more tools to work things out with someone who IS
of great value to you. It’s all
symbiotic really.
My husband says I am from 1% of the population that is actually
unafraid of confrontation. While I don’t
know the percentage, I would agree that I am not passive or avoidant. But being the confrontational type has its
own set of challenges. For me, it is
more about going in for the kill. I have
learned as I have gotten older and wisdom has hacked its way through stubbornness,
that my need to wield my verbal sword takes way too many casualties, and I don’t
grow, I don’t learn, I don’t become a better person, and I certainly do not
leave the experience with anything other than smug satisfaction that really
lasts only long enough for me to relive the experience over again in my
mind.
I have learned that I must above all else confront conflict at the
gate. I cannot wait until I am angry,
for my verbal acuity in combination with my love of warring and “righteous”
anger is absolutely lethal. And wisdom
says intelligence, purity of heart, and love do not seek to destroy but to
build. I am still fearless, and I rather
enjoy the smell of blood in conflict situations, but I have learned that what
is inherent to me is not what I have to live with in terms of outcomes. I may have an inclination one direction, but
I want to be something more than a sinuous feed of aggression and anger. I want relationships that endure. I want to be able to say that the conflicts I
experience have been beneficial, because I was willing to step back, exert
diplomacy, and allow the other person a space in the scenario.
If you are in a conflict, you have a choice. Even if the other person does not choose the
same as you, you can work to make the conflict a growth situation for you. You cannot control that other person, but you
can lay down a healthy option for working through the issue, and you can walk
away at the end, no matter the outcome, knowing you did not avoid the conflict,
that you worked to find ways to solve it, and that you reinforced your own
journey towards healthy communication and personal growth.
Blessings,
L
References
Ergeneli, A., Camgoz, S. M., & Karapinar, P. B.
(2010). The relationship between
self- efficacy and conflict-handling
styles in terms of relative authority positions of the two parties.
Social Behavior and Personality, 38(1), 13-28. Doi:
10.2224/sbp.2010.38.1.13
Merriam-Webster.
(2012). Definition of
confrontation. Retrieved from
Shockley-Zalabak, P.
S. (2009). Fundamentals of organizational communication: Knowledge,
sensitivity, skills, values (7th ed.). New York:
Pearson.
