Tuesday, January 8, 2013

A Year's Lessons



It’s a new year!  So what.  Sorry, but I just don’t get that excited about another year.  Do I sound, “Bah, humbug”?  My apologies to those of you who embrace a new year like “The Running of the Bulls.”  Maybe I’m a pessimist.  Maybe I’m just tired.  I am not melodramatic enough to say that life does not have good, because it most certainly does.  I’m just really not one of those fresh slate kinds of people.  “Each day is fresh with no mistakes”... but then again, what about the unresolved ones of yesterday?  Where do they go?  They do not simply fall away in the night.  No.  If there is no resolution, they will be there to greet the day with you.  And is it not ignorance to deny they exist?  Mistakes happen.  There is forgiveness and even compensation, but they have the power to change the course of one’s life, for good or bad.  From my perspective, it’s sometimes all about whether or not one can make pies with mud. 

I stopped making new year resolutions a long time ago.  I find them to enable me to fail.  I know that seems a contradiction, but the things I have succeeded at have been practices in place over time, not promises I have made to myself for improvement on January 1st.  As a psychologist, I find the behaviors implemented with resolutions to be amusing.  There is a mad scramble to accomplish that which has not been mastered the rest of the year through.  It is as though somehow with the dawning of a new year there is an enablement to succeed that has not existed prior.  I have seen it too often in my own nature.  And I know that, behaviorally, it is impossible to will a new pattern.  There has to be practice, consistency, and tenacity, all features I possess no more on January 1st than I do any other time of the year.



I am not poo-hooing those who like their resolutions.  It is truly not my business, but I just think there is a lot of pressure placed on this time of year during a time when depression already reigns.  So, why not add the pressure to reformat one’s life and when failure happens, let’s add it to one of the most depressing months of the year.   Again, if it helps you, makes you a better person in your own interpretation, do it.  For me, the practice is not beneficial.



So, I have implemented a reflection thing I do in December.  I take stock as one might of a pantry to see what I have in excess and what I am lacking.  I make notes to add or throw out, and I attempt balance.  This past year has been all about the dissertation.  My doctorate has taken up so much of my life.  I ran into major issues with my chairperson and had to get a new one.  The process taught me that if I had to, I could walk away from the whole thing for the sake of everything else in my life.  My  new chairperson is awesome, and it looks as though I’m going to button this thing down by early spring, but I am still willing to walk away if need be.  That was a hard place to come to, but I got there.  Some things should really just not dictate the welfare of others in one’s life.  I am happy with this particular development in my little world. 



Another area I have recently made changes to has been in the area of relationships.  I have a fatal flaw where people are concerned.  I have figured out that I tend to involve broken people who are needy in my life so that I won’t have to be left out.  It is a practice I have employed since forever.  Kind of like the kid who brings candy to school and offers it for friendship.  I have tended to offer loyalty and support as trade off for friendship.  This is a tough one.  But I have begun drawing hard lines.  I was single for nearly 40 years.  People think of you that way, even if your status changes.  I am married now, and I have a family.  I can no longer be a beck and call girl for individuals who are used to me being there.  So, people who do not want to know about my life, do not want to be involved, but want me on standby in case they need crisis intervention will be billed.  Simple as that.  



I can no longer put forth all the effort in personal exchanges and receive no exchange or response.  That is not healthy.  My apologies for not doing this sooner.  When I had more time in my personal life, other people’s issues were like puzzles I enjoyed trying to solve, but I am not God, and I have no real answers.  I no longer have time to straddle the practices of my past life and those required in my new one.  I have to commit somewhere.  And that has been the lesson of the year.  I must commit to the life I have chosen, leaving what is past behind. 



It is difficult to let go of a life that has been in place for nearly 40 years.  People who have been married and then single, tell me they know what I mean, but they don’t.  When you have never ever committed your entire life to someone, given up your independence, and found yourself having to ask for input of another person when you have never done any of that in 35 + years, taking a step like that is pretty earth shattering.  And, I think that in the past year, even though I have been married for nearly two years now, I have really come to a reckoning with myself about my tendency to hedge my bets rather than go all in, a practice very much against my nature.   It is as though a part of me is being reserved, held back, for...well...for me.  But what Abba has helped me see is that if I cannot see me in my new life with a new direction, I will never be able to fully live it, and I cannot expect others to believe it of me either.






So I have already begun the changes I want for my life, long before a new year gave me permission.  It matters little about success or failure.  It has to be an implemented change in the fabric of my nature.  I have done some of the hard stuff.  I have walked away from some relationships that have been in place for most of my life.  There is no closed door...just empty place on the bench I used to inhabit, waiting to be summoned.  I just don’t have the time any more.  And, I have begun to fully live the life I am in.  I am slowly accepting the role of “mother” something I have never really been comfortable with or pursued, and I am reaping benefits I do not deserve.  I am someone’s wife; Chris’ wife.  And I’m mostly okay with that, because he champions me being me.  A better man for me does not exist.  I am a low maintenance woman, but that does not mean I am not difficult, and he is a perfect balance of humor, grace, and strength for me.  I hope I bring to his life.  I hope I can continue to become a better person not just because of him but for him.  

I am working towards becoming more involved socially with the life I am in.  I am going to continue to make an attempt to get involved in the church we have begun to attend.  I’m not a person who enjoys church.  There I said it.  Are you shocked?  I grew up “in the church”.  I have spent the last 20 years trying to break out of that mentality and make certain my reasons for going to church are not ritualistic or obligatory,but spiritual.  What can I say?  I’m agoraphobic.  A nightmare for me is a round room packed with people I don’t know, music that is too loud, and only two exits.  But I’m working it out, because I feel this is an area where I need to stretch.  And maybe in the future I will join in on a Bible study or, heaven forbid, a women’s group.  It’s not my thing, and I have had major trauma in the past with such groups wanting to “exorcise” the demons out of me that make me “crazy”.  But I’m past all that.  I know my God and what he thinks of me.  Anyone else’s discomfort with me and my issues is theirs and not for me to worry about.  Even so, I won’t be throwing such things into the arena any time soon.  I am going to make an effort to become involved a bit.  I just feel it is something I need.  And you never know, I may be surprised.  I’m open to that...being surprised.  Yet another change I have begun to embrace over that past year.  We shall see what next year’s reflection brings.






Happy Year, everyone!



L

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