Tuesday, January 29, 2013

January...Here Comes the Sun



January is not a favorite month of many.  There are the blahs that occur after the holidays, cold and bleak weather in many areas with more dark than light, flu season adds to a negative perspective, and for many there is the chemical component added that makes January a volatile month.  

I wrote in my last blog about changes coming down the pike for those dealing with mental health issues.  But with this one I’m bringing things back to a personal level, or an individual level, anyway.  Depression reigns supreme during this time of year, with many individuals who fall within “normal” on the mental health spectrum spiking a bit in the area of the depression.  But for those who fight chronic depression due to bipolar or clinical depressive disorders, this time of year is quite often and quite literally a killer.  

Personally, I am currently in month three of severe depression that is indicative of my particular experience with bipolar.  Every year I go about seven months with depression with it varying from mild (chronic down in the dumps) to fairly extreme.  I have to be very sparing with antidepressants as they tend to cause mania and usher in a mixed state that feels like my thoughts and emotions are fragmenting and fighting for supremacy, a download of multi-moods fueled by excessive aggressive energy.  So, I have had to come up with non-medicinal ways to keep the circus under the big top.  I think that the following is adaptable for any level of depression, chronic or no.  I’ve found these methods to be tried and true, but you should determine such for yourself.

First, I continually remind myself, no matter how things look or how I feel, that my mental state is temporary.  And when I can’t do it for myself, I have a husband, sisters, and a mom who remind me, that, no I’m not dying, that it will get better, that I am loved, that I am in fact not as ugly as I see myself, and that my life does have meaning even though I don’t see it.  But no matter what they say, even if they say nothing, I have to enter into this time of year with the mindset that what I perceive as reality is jaded through the lens of depression.  And I have to make myself accept that what I am thinking and feeling is most likely not reality.  I HAVE TO BE WILLING TO ACCEPT THAT WHAT IS POSITIVE HAS A PLACE, AND WHAT I AM THINKING IS REALITY, IS IN FACT DISTORTED AGAINST ALL I THINK AND FEEL.

Second, I have to minimize expectations of myself.  If I expect myself to perform at the level I do when I am not depressed, I am going to add to my depressive state.  And I have to not look at what others are doing and expect myself to compete.  I know, after years of dealing with this, that I cannot.  I give myself grace.  I must.  I know that my sleep requirements increase dramatically.  That is just the way it is.  My body and mind have to have much more sleep to combat physical and mental stressors that ensue with this time of year.  I GIVE MYSELF GRACE TO UNDERACHIEVE AND SLEEP.

Third, I take time for myself.  As a person who was single for the majority of life, I have a very firm grasp on the importance of time for self.  As a mental health professional, I know the value of inner reflection and time with Abba.  As a person with mental illness, I know the necessity of quiet and reflection to check on functioning ability and stamina levels.  I have put yoga and mindfulness practice back into my exercise routine as main events.  I have no desire to do either, being extremely low on both motivation and energy, but I find they contribute significantly to clarity, something that is necessary to the mood storms that tend to blow through.  I TAKE TIME TO INVEST IN MYSELF.

Try these three things.  If they are not practices you normally employ, you will find you have a full plate, with just three.  And the whole point here is to NOT have a full plate this time of year, so try one at a time.  I will add one more thing here to keep things real for you and for me.  Depression is a very selfish illness.  You have to feed it for it to grow.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  There are chemicals that create it, but if you are continually focusing on all the things that make an environment conducive to being depressed, you will find it will thrive, like a well-fed parasite.  I know from personal experience that trying to see the good, the bright, the hope of things is like trying to drive against a 60 foot wave, but the point here is to not let it get to 60 feet.  

Right now, I am battling physical and mental illness.  Fatigue is the order of the day for me from morning to night.  I know I cannot realistically maintain what my mom terms as ice cream thoughts rather than pickle thoughts throughout the course of my day, but I make it a point to catch myself a few times a day to reframe what appears as bleak into what is positive.  Right now I’m thinking how very tired I am, that I have no energy to finish laundry, get the intellectual work done I need to, and still have time for my man and my boy when they cross the threshold.  STOP.  I don’t have to do all the laundry, just the load I’m working on now.  I only have to get this blog written and set up a couple interviews.  And if I get some yoga done, it will help me have focus and stamina to welcome my two guys home.  I may not be a stellar conversationalist, but I can welcome them, tell them I love them, and let them know dinner is in the works. Oh yeah, dinner.  Hmm...One thing at a time. 

On the spiritual front, I confess, Abba is close to me even when I don’t communicate much.  He and I have traversed severe depression for decades.  He knows me better than I know me, and there is great comfort in having one in my life I can go to for directions about me.  You either understand what I mean here, or you don’t.  I can explain no further except that I have a comfort in that that no medication, practice, or amount of sleep can provide.  

If you are struggling with the darkness of depression, light gray or black as night, you are not alone.  I am right in it too.  I have given some ideas here that work for me.  They are referenced professionally and personally, but they stand on their own merit and are the very foundation for fighting depression.  Sunny days are on their way...Wait for them.  You will not be the only one.

 

Blessings ,

L

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