Doing and Being

I have been doing some heavy contemplating of late.  Life seems to move at a frenetic pace, and the more responsibilities or “roles” we have, the more challenging it is to “be” rather than “do”.  Merton (1955) posits that it is fire that warms us not the smoke from fire.  It is not the wake of a ship that carries us over water but the ship itself.  By comparison, what we are is found in the depths of the soul not in what we do and how what we do looks.  Merton goes on to explain that who we really are is not found in the “impact of our being on the beings around us, but in our own soul which is the principle of all our acts”.  

I have been sitting here for some time pondering what that means to me, to my life.  I have felt that I am continually being swept along in the tide of happenings outside myself while I try to produce the best action possible.  I know this is not the way.  I know that in order to grow I must maintain connection with my spiritual being in order to not only perceive changes in my nature and supply action authentic to that nature but to stay fully tuned into what Abba would have me do.  I learned many years ago that life is messy, and with every struggle the redemption comes with the growth and wisdom I attain through letting Abba work in my life.  

Merton’s words struck me as poignant, because it is so easy for me to define myself based on how well I am handling each and every situation thrown in my path, but who I am is rarely indicative of what I do.  That seems wrong to say, but so often who I really am is not reflected in what I do.  I often supply based on demand.  You may think this confusing or even contradictory.  So let me give a personal example I have come into contact with of late.  Here’s a big one;  weight.  If who I am is based on my weight or my management of it then my nature is wishy-washy, indulgent, rigid, and superficial.  When I look at my innermost being I do not see these characteristics as inherent to my nature.  But I display them…So what gives?

 I think what Merton is expressing, or at least what I am taking as an interpretation, is that I am not my weight, but it is a part of what I do.  My inner being desires to be healthy, but does it follow that health is a particular size?  What I do in regards to my weight tends to be reflected in what I hear from others and what those closest to me are doing.  It works for them, so it should work for me, right?  They are healthy at a certain size… so I should be too, right?  To expand on this example I can share an extended story…

One of my sisters lost a lot of weight on a diet that worked very well for her.   I decided I should do it and get my weight off in much the way she did.  What I found was that I was literally starving, so much so that my brain became sluggish and I couldn’t track thought processes.  My husband finally stated he didn’t marry a stupid skinny woman (my paraphrase) and would I please get some food into my body so my IQ would return to its elevation.  So, that diet was a wash.  Some time later  another of my sisters found great success with another type of diet.  I thought it would work for me, and I could finally get to where I “should” be.  So, I committed discipline and a substantial amount of money to it and set off on another dietary journey.  I hated the food, found I was continually tied to the clock, and eventually, after three months, developed continual hives.  My husband intervened yet again and told me I was beginning to look like a patchwork quilt and I better stop it.  

Now I am not submarining either diet.  I know both work and have worked well for my sisters.  And, honestly, I lost a cumulative 40 pounds on the two diets.  But my body and really my soul were not down with either program.  I have continued to weigh to make sure I am keeping off what I lost, but I have begun to listen to my inner being and that is where I am finding direction from Abba as he speaks to that inner part of me and helps me find my way past the mirror, the scale, and the success stories of others to a place where I am understanding my body and the impact of food on it.  

I have discovered through all my “doing” that sugar is not good for me.  I know that I cannot be tied to a timeframe but must be able to hear my body when it needs sustenance.  I know I require a variety of foods as options even if I tend to stick to the same things.  I suppose the ultimate goal is to line “doing” up with “being” so that the two aspects are in sync, but that does not always happen.  So often I have heard people say that your weight is not who you are.  Yeah, whatever.  It has always seemed to me a direct reflection of physiology, lack of discipline, and possibly something deeply psychological.  But I am discovering that, as with many things, my weight (light, heavy, or just so) is not the issue.  The issue is what I do to impact it, and even more is the question, “Is what I am doing a direct reflection of my inner being, or am I so fixated on doing to provide a result that I am ignoring being?”  In other words, when I have my plain non-fat yogurt with fruit and Truvia, is my being content with that, and do I enjoy it?  Or is it simply a direction I am taking so I can look in the mirror and say, “Your are as thin as your sisters?”  

In the past few months I have experienced major roadblocks in my doctoral journey, financial uncertainties, health issues in many of my family members, death, nearly losing my dogs to a gum mishap, and many other stresses that come with the messiness of living that have all resulted in one overriding hindrance:  Fear.  But, having seen the power of Abba work in my own single journey through mental illness and continual brushes with death, I know that the truth of it all is that my innermost being is protected by a power I really cannot explain.  And if I look outside my spirit to the daily happenings and striving to ameliorate them, I only come up against the fear that what I “do” is never enough.  Who I am is bought and paid for with a grace I cannot fathom or replicate, and so I am learning to accept.  And in this season of being thankful I am looking at those I love from my innermost being past what they all “do” to who they are.  This allows me to ignore offenses and to simply enjoy loving them and being loved by them as I work towards lining up what I do with who I am.

Blessings,

L  

Merton, T.  (1955).  No man is an island.    New York, NY:  Dell Publishing Co.

Conflict and Confrontation--The Evil Twins

I have been contemplating the concept of conflict.  It seems we tend to run from conflict, like having it is an indication that relationships are going south.  We are in a culture that demonstrates either passive-aggression or flat out hostility, and somewhere in there conflict has been touted as the thing to avoid, because avoidance seems better than flat out war.  

As a leadership psychologist, I have come to view conflict as a very necessary component of a healthy organization. An organization experiencing conflict is in the throes of change, and change propagates growth, innovation, open communication, and overall health.  BUT!  It has to be handled in a healthy manor.  Conflict is part of social life and is ubiquitous in organizations, because people work closely with one another (Ergeneli, Camgoz, & Karipinar, 2010).  

Just as there are different personalities and motivations in people there are different types of conflicts that arise, requiring different styles of conflict management.  Avoidance is a conflict style that chooses not to pursue the desires and goals or desires and goals of others in a conflict (Shockley-Zalabak, 2009).  Competition style pursues personal desires and goals without considering those of others (Shockley-Zalabak, 2009).  Compromise style works to balance between goals and desires of those involved and the tasks at hand (Shockley-Zalabak, 2009). Accommodation style is willing to sacrifice personal desires and goals in order to stabilize relationships, and collaboration style looks to an equal input and participation from all members in order to accomplish a task (Shockley-Zalabak, 2009).

I realize these styles are in relation to organizations, but there is individual meaning here.  So, let’s pare it down to the individual.  In your relationships do you avoid conflict, choosing to “stuff” issues with the other person until resentment festers?  Do you enjoy conflict with others, because it allows you to “win”?  Or do you seek to find the compromise in conflict situations?  What about accommodation?  Do you continually lay the desires of your heart on the thin white line between that other person and you in order to have a modicum of peace?  Or do you find you seek collaboration in your relationships where you try to engage that other person to problem solve jointly?  

Maybe you don’t know where you fall in the conflict style continuum.  Maybe it doesn’t matter.  Want to know whether it matters or not?  Look back over your past relationships, both personal and professional.  How many of them have lasted?  How many of the relationships cause you resentment when you think of them or make you angry?  How many healthy relationships do you have that have endured—By healthy I mean, those with open communication that you and the other person invest in equally?  

Conflict should be a good thing.  Remember getting leg aches when you were a child?  Doctors often said they were growing pains.  Well that is what conflict is.  It stretches your experience, it improves and grows your relationship, and if you are on board you will stretch with it.  And here is the thing…Most of us do not know how to handle conflict, and part of that is that we associate it with another “c” word…confrontation, and for the majority of people confrontation is something to be avoided as much as possible.   

Part of the reason conflict and confrontation are avoided is that we tend to think of them as bad.  But actually, as I discussed previously, conflict is valuable for growth, and confrontation is necessary to kick start dealing with an issue.  There is an ideology out there that confrontation is about going in angry and dealing in a hostile manner.  It doesn’t need to be that way.  Confrontation is an extension of conflict.  Conflict is a clash of wills, and confrontation is the face to face encounter (Meriam-Webster, 2012).  Simple as that.

Now wait…before you say, “I’m not afraid of confrontation!”  Think a minute.  When was the last time you were in a situation where there was a conflict?  You knew it was coming, felt it in that gut kind of way, and yet you let it go because you didn’t want to deal with it; didn’t want to "get it all over you”.  So what happened?  Did it magically disappear?  That rarely happens I’m afraid.  Such an issue won’t even be the metaphorical elephant in the room.  Quite often the issue that has been left unattended festers and becomes a bomb waiting for detonation.  And like the initial friction, so often all it takes to detonate that bomb is a word.  Suddenly, there are casualties all over the place, not the least of which, your relationship.  But the fallout often extends much further.  In work, other employees are impacted.  In personal relationships other friends, your children, and other family members are hit. 

To be fair, it is important to point out that our tendency to be passive or avoidant in conflict is not so much about a character flaw as it is about sociological conditioning and considering what the cost will be if we do get into a confrontation.  Position, marriage, income, and paradigm shift are so often potential ramifications of confrontation.  Bottom line…There is a lot to lose.  So, how do we get it to work?  Here are some thoughts on that front:

1.  As soon as there is the slightest inkling of a conflict, get more information.  Often clarification is all it takes to ameliorate a potential conflict.  Above all else, communicate!  

2.  Did I say communicate?  Communicate!  Ask questions like, “Did I understand you correctly here?”, or “Am I understanding this correctly?”  

3.  Expedience is key to keeping a conflict under control.  Get with that person and hash it out.  

4.  Be emotionally intelligent.  Keep your emotions in check.  Emotions are like little gremlins, and when you let them have free reign, they will destroy whatever they get hold of.  Read the other person’s body language to see if they are receptive.  Give them time to respond.

5.  Listen.  Instead of going in with the idea of being heard, go in with the idea of listening to understand and see where YOU might have gotten things in a twist.

6.  Ask for input.  This is how you remain objective.  You need to see the other side of the chess board before making a move or landing on a reaction.  So get information.  You can always react and lose your mind on this person down the road if you feel it necessary.  But, just maybe, you can salvage the situation at the gate instead of letting it develop into a two headed monster.  

7.  Above all else remember the value of this person in your life, whether it be personal or professional.  Our network of exchanges with others extends into a wide web, and there are reasons why those in our web are there.  They fill a place.  If we cut them out, there will be a hole that a worse opposition may fill.  

8.  Don’t walk away until every option has been exhausted.  If you cannot see the value of working things out with a person you really don’t care for, consider the process an exercise in learning how to deal with conflict so that down the road you will have more tools to work things out with someone who IS of great value to you.  It’s all symbiotic really.

My husband says I am from 1% of the population that is actually unafraid of confrontation.  While I don’t know the percentage, I would agree that I am not passive or avoidant.  But being the confrontational type has its own set of challenges.  For me, it is more about going in for the kill.  I have learned as I have gotten older and wisdom has hacked its way through stubbornness, that my need to wield my verbal sword takes way too many casualties, and I don’t grow, I don’t learn, I don’t become a better person, and I certainly do not leave the experience with anything other than smug satisfaction that really lasts only long enough for me to relive the experience over again in my mind. 

I have learned that I must above all else confront conflict at the gate.  I cannot wait until I am angry, for my verbal acuity in combination with my love of warring and “righteous” anger is absolutely lethal.  And wisdom says intelligence, purity of heart, and love do not seek to destroy but to build.  I am still fearless, and I rather enjoy the smell of blood in conflict situations, but I have learned that what is inherent to me is not what I have to live with in terms of outcomes.  I may have an inclination one direction, but I want to be something more than a sinuous feed of aggression and anger.  I want relationships that endure.  I want to be able to say that the conflicts I experience have been beneficial, because I was willing to step back, exert diplomacy, and allow the other person a space in the scenario.

If you are in a conflict, you have a choice.  Even if the other person does not choose the same as you, you can work to make the conflict a growth situation for you.  You cannot control that other person, but you can lay down a healthy option for working through the issue, and you can walk away at the end, no matter the outcome, knowing you did not avoid the conflict, that you worked to find ways to solve it, and that you reinforced your own journey towards healthy communication and personal growth.

Blessings,

L

References

Ergeneli, A., Camgoz, S.  M., & Karapinar, P.  B.  (2010).  The relationship between self-  efficacy and conflict-handling styles in terms of relative authority positions of the two     parties.  Social Behavior and Personality, 38(1), 13-28.  Doi:  10.2224/sbp.2010.38.1.13

Merriam-Webster.  (2012).  Definition of confrontation.  Retrieved from

            http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/confrontation

Shockley-Zalabak, P.  S. (2009).  Fundamentals of organizational communication:  Knowledge,

            sensitivity, skills, values (7^th ed.).  New York:  Pearson.

The Sweetest 16

My first niece turns 16 today.  I’m amazed I am that old.  I’m amazed her parents are that old!  (Smile).  I have a special bond with my Bug (as I nicknamed her when she was a wee thing), because she is the eldest of four and I am the eldest of five.  Perhaps I can understand better than anyone in her young life what it is like to be the eldest.  It is a tough job—Not to say the other positions in sibling birth order are not challenging.  Each has its perks and non-perks, but there is a straddling position that occurs in the eldest child the others do not have to accommodate.

I have done some studies over the years on birth order, because as a psychologist, I am fascinated with behavior, and who better to pick apart than my own familial unit!  The eldest child is the experimental child, the one parents are trying theories out on, the one parents are the most inexperienced with, and the one who generally gets to experience the immaturity of parents who have not yet accumulated the years of wisdom that comes with aging.  Many young parents have their first child in their early and mid twenties.  The brain doesn’t even fully finish maturing until the mid twenties, so it is not difficult to see parents are often out of their depth with their first child as they are still growing up themselves.

I have to say up front that I think my parents were fantastic parents as I think Bug’s parents have been to her, but if I were to summarize my childhood in terms of my role in my home, it would have to be captioned with “confusion”.  I was sometimes the parent, told to watch out for my siblings and discipline them for my parents—another set of eyes and ears, but was also told rather often I was “not the mom”, and not to tattle.  I was often privy to conversations beyond my years and often was aware of too many of the stresses that went on in our home when, perhaps, I should have not been aware.  I never labored under the illusion that all was right and tranquil in life.  I had a very profound sense of reality and knew that life is not rose colored from a very early age.  I was also conditioned early on that I was the leader and had to set an example for my other siblings.  Anything I might do, they would likely follow, and not only that, but I had the power to make life smooth or miserable for them depending on the choices I made, especially in high school.  I also think that as the first one, my parents were more strict with me and were sometimes harder on me, their expectations a bit higher simply because they had not yet learned what to expect and how strict was too strict or not strict enough.

CBS News did a profile on sibling birth order and traits they tend to demonstrate.  The traits in the eldest child tend to be:  Natural leaders, reliable, conscientious, perfectionists, and they don’t like surprises, often aggressive, but can be compliant people pleasers, model children who have a strong need for approval from anyone in charge. 

http://www.cbsnews.com/2100-500172_162-511694.html

Now, that is not to say ALL first borns have only these traits or that they even have them at all, but I would say I have most of those traits, and mostly, I think, I have come out ahead not only because of the traits referenced above but because of my position in my family. 

Hmmm.  So far this sounds as though I am poo-hooing being the eldest.  So, here is what is great about being the eldest:  You get to be first, you get the new stuff first, you get to be in charge, you get to be challenged, you get to protect and defend your siblings Rambo Style if need be, and you get to know your parents first, while they are young and not worn out (Smile).  And you get the first car, hopefully, if all goes according to the way it SHOULD.  You develop character for miles.  You learn to be a diplomat.  You learn how to excel and achieve beyond expectations, and you get to be the one they call “big sister or brother”. 

Now, back to my little Bug.  Emma, you have far exceeded my example of what a big sister is and how to be an eldest child.  You have so much grace and compassion, and you are truly a joy to be around.  You have so much living to do, so here are a few tips from your oldest auntie…

Be sure to laugh and mostly at yourself in a way that allows you to lighten up and make mistakes.

Be okay with failing sometimes, because through failing comes the good stuff…The stuff that makes us awesome.

Remember that your parents will always need you to remind them of what great parents they are, because sometimes they will forget that.

Know that the best friends you will ever have can be your siblings.  I know from experience that there is no more powerful bond outside of marriage than the one I have with your aunties and your uncle.

But also know that as you get older your parents can be your best friends too and your relationship with them will change over time to become a very wonderful and special thing.

Remember that being alone is okay…Even being lonely is not fun, but it is okay and better than being with someone just to say you are.

Know that your worth as a woman is not defined by the outside world but by what God shows you about yourself, what you are, and who you are in Him.

Believe that you are never too dumb, that you do not have all the answers, and that wisdom often comes with watching and listening rather than acting and speaking.

Remember you WILL make mistakes…But “tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it”.

Always know you are loved by people who will never take their love away.

Always remember that there is nothing too great for God to work with and through.

You are a priceless jewel, and I’m so excited to see the next leg of your journey.  Your birthday present is waiting…But don’t drive your folks to distraction about getting it (smile).

I love you Bug,

Your Auntie

The Happiness Myth

Hubby had an assignment last week in one of his classes where he had to write an essay on happiness.  I answered some interview questions he had, and it got me thinking about the term “happiness” and beyond.  

I think I have mentioned this before, but I do not believe that happiness is a state of being.  I believe it is an emotion.  I think contentment is a state of being, as is disillusionment, as is balance.  Of course, of the three, balance is less easily defined and possibly more subjective.  

In thinking about happiness I have determined that I have moments of happiness just as I have moments of sadness.  I have had times of despair and times of disillusionment.  See the difference?  This is just my interpretation of terminology based on my own journey, but as a psychologist I have to look at the meaning behind words and try to ascertain whether or not a state of happiness is possible.  Can one maintain a state of happiness for a lengthy period of time?  I don’t think so.  I can see becoming a happiness junkie, looking for that next happiness fix.  Maybe that is not a good or bad thing.  Maybe it is the possibility of becoming a happiness addict that is negative.  

I have known people who spend life thinking there is something inherently wrong with them because they cannot be happy on a regular basis.  I decided, for me, that I would not spend precious energies trying to maintain something that has so often been fleeting.  And in looking at the term “happy,” I begin to wonder about humor and laughter.  Are they mutually inclusive?  Maybe.  Maybe not. 

    

Hubby says I do not laugh enough, that somehow between the years of mental struggle and academic pursuits, laughter has become a scarcity rather than a commodity.  I think he is right.  But, I married a man who is quintessentially funny.  He makes me laugh.  More importantly, he helps me lighten up, and that is not easy, because, I think, I am by nature a serious person.  I am also a cynical person (yet another state of being).  It is possible that either of these states was procured through nature, nurture, or both, but who cares?  

Ever heard the phrase, “I will laugh when it’s funny”?  My issue is that I don’t find a lot of things funny that other people do.  I laugh when something surprises me, catches me off guard…A turn of phrase, an antic I have not expected.  Most media I do not find funny, though I do find a lot of things on wimp.com funny, mostly the animals.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I find humor in a lot of things, but many times it is sardonic, and not often does it make me laugh outright, but I am on the lookout now.  It has been drawn to my attention, and I am looking.

I do not expect to find happiness through others, situations, or dynamics. For me the definition of happiness is this:  Happiness is being in a moment of sensory fulfillment and realizing it—knowing it won’t last indefinitely but also knowing that it does not have to, because one moment of happiness is a flash of light across a darkened sky and a small beacon across black waters.  And who is to say whether or not we would even recognize happiness if not for all the other emotions we experience?  Though, I would not turn down continual moments of bliss, I think there is validity in experiences rendered from moments without it.  I have chosen to embrace those moments as balancing, enhancing, and ever present reminders that life is about the full gambit of emotional experiences.  Whether or not you embrace my chosen philosophy, matters not to individual journey, but I would wager the expectation happiness as a state needing to be sustained could be hazardous to the journey and nearly impossible to attain.  

***I added a little something to promote a moment of happiness...Or a chuckle at least.