Ah mania! After so
many years on medication, it is a shadow of its former self, the dregs of irascible
and invasive behaviors resultant of repetitive thoughts and impulsivity. I apply a steely grip in June and do not
release until the reins disintegrate into the gray ashes of depression in
September. After years of being
overmedicated with invasive and often physically damaging medications, I
decided in year, oh I don’t know, 15 (?) that I was not going to spend my life suppressing
every reaction. Anxiety medication for agoraphobia,
medication for panic attacks, antidepressants, and the ever necessary mood stabilizer. I decided that with an IQ the north end of brilliant,
the iron will that comes naturally from heredity, and the knowledge that if
Abba is for me, nothing can ever truly defeat me, I was going to find another
way.
So I spent time simplifying my life, really tamping down on
what I put into my mind, and I drew trenches around my life that would serve as
protectors, and I slowly forced myself back out into the world, overriding the
terrifying world distorted by severe agoraphobia. I experimented with doses and eventually cut
my lithium down by half. I have now been
on a third the dose of lithium I was on for four years now. I rarely take meds for panic attacks, though
I still have them. And I fight the
agoraphobia every day, especially after going somewhere new and spending a lot
of time being social. But the difference
now is that I have given myself permission to malfunction for a time. I go to spend time with family, I allow
myself a few weeks of not leaving the house afterwards. But then I make myself get back on the horse
and go out the door. The first steps to
the driveway and into the car are the worst.
Breathing increases, I hear my blood in my ears, I begin to sweat, and
my mouth is dry. My stomach is a ball of
acid my senses heighten to the point of combustion.
But then I get in the car, start it, and I remember, “I have
conquered this so many times. It’s just
one more time.” Slowly I work my way
back. And with mania there are the
repetitive thoughts that are incessant 24/7.
There are thoughts of impulsivity that would propel me towards the
destructive. And always I am hanging on
tightly, allowing the circus to play in the theater of my mind but willing it
to stay there. Sleep is essential, as I
am not only controlling mental chaos, but I am functioning at an optimum
intellectual level in working on my doctorate.
And there are relationships I have know for a lifetime that I have
learned to trust in and just let live.
As I get older, the two illnesses are like aching bones,
acting up when the weather is inclement.
It is not every day, but when I feel them acting up, I look to my faith,
because it is the rope that hauls me through everything. I cherish the love of my family who are more
precious to me now than ever before, and I revel in the fact that I have a man
who loves me, believes in me, and is so there to catch me when I trip.
What I have decided is that it’s not about how well I
conquer but how gracefully I move with these things that are uninvited contributions
to my life. I have spent so much time
fighting, being a warrior, and I still am, but these days I am more interested
in wisdom in living with, loving through, and being who I am with all my flaws
and idiosyncrasies. The lesson here is
to do the same for others as well, and that is the blessing in my life. When I let go of what I think should be and
just accept what is, I am so richly rewarded.
I love deeper, experience more, and appreciate better.
Blessings,
L
