Doing and Being

I have been doing some heavy contemplating of late.  Life seems to move at a frenetic pace, and the more responsibilities or “roles” we have, the more challenging it is to “be” rather than “do”.  Merton (1955) posits that it is fire that warms us not the smoke from fire.  It is not the wake of a ship that carries us over water but the ship itself.  By comparison, what we are is found in the depths of the soul not in what we do and how what we do looks.  Merton goes on to explain that who we really are is not found in the “impact of our being on the beings around us, but in our own soul which is the principle of all our acts”.  

I have been sitting here for some time pondering what that means to me, to my life.  I have felt that I am continually being swept along in the tide of happenings outside myself while I try to produce the best action possible.  I know this is not the way.  I know that in order to grow I must maintain connection with my spiritual being in order to not only perceive changes in my nature and supply action authentic to that nature but to stay fully tuned into what Abba would have me do.  I learned many years ago that life is messy, and with every struggle the redemption comes with the growth and wisdom I attain through letting Abba work in my life.  

Merton’s words struck me as poignant, because it is so easy for me to define myself based on how well I am handling each and every situation thrown in my path, but who I am is rarely indicative of what I do.  That seems wrong to say, but so often who I really am is not reflected in what I do.  I often supply based on demand.  You may think this confusing or even contradictory.  So let me give a personal example I have come into contact with of late.  Here’s a big one;  weight.  If who I am is based on my weight or my management of it then my nature is wishy-washy, indulgent, rigid, and superficial.  When I look at my innermost being I do not see these characteristics as inherent to my nature.  But I display them…So what gives?

 I think what Merton is expressing, or at least what I am taking as an interpretation, is that I am not my weight, but it is a part of what I do.  My inner being desires to be healthy, but does it follow that health is a particular size?  What I do in regards to my weight tends to be reflected in what I hear from others and what those closest to me are doing.  It works for them, so it should work for me, right?  They are healthy at a certain size… so I should be too, right?  To expand on this example I can share an extended story…

One of my sisters lost a lot of weight on a diet that worked very well for her.   I decided I should do it and get my weight off in much the way she did.  What I found was that I was literally starving, so much so that my brain became sluggish and I couldn’t track thought processes.  My husband finally stated he didn’t marry a stupid skinny woman (my paraphrase) and would I please get some food into my body so my IQ would return to its elevation.  So, that diet was a wash.  Some time later  another of my sisters found great success with another type of diet.  I thought it would work for me, and I could finally get to where I “should” be.  So, I committed discipline and a substantial amount of money to it and set off on another dietary journey.  I hated the food, found I was continually tied to the clock, and eventually, after three months, developed continual hives.  My husband intervened yet again and told me I was beginning to look like a patchwork quilt and I better stop it.  

Now I am not submarining either diet.  I know both work and have worked well for my sisters.  And, honestly, I lost a cumulative 40 pounds on the two diets.  But my body and really my soul were not down with either program.  I have continued to weigh to make sure I am keeping off what I lost, but I have begun to listen to my inner being and that is where I am finding direction from Abba as he speaks to that inner part of me and helps me find my way past the mirror, the scale, and the success stories of others to a place where I am understanding my body and the impact of food on it.  

I have discovered through all my “doing” that sugar is not good for me.  I know that I cannot be tied to a timeframe but must be able to hear my body when it needs sustenance.  I know I require a variety of foods as options even if I tend to stick to the same things.  I suppose the ultimate goal is to line “doing” up with “being” so that the two aspects are in sync, but that does not always happen.  So often I have heard people say that your weight is not who you are.  Yeah, whatever.  It has always seemed to me a direct reflection of physiology, lack of discipline, and possibly something deeply psychological.  But I am discovering that, as with many things, my weight (light, heavy, or just so) is not the issue.  The issue is what I do to impact it, and even more is the question, “Is what I am doing a direct reflection of my inner being, or am I so fixated on doing to provide a result that I am ignoring being?”  In other words, when I have my plain non-fat yogurt with fruit and Truvia, is my being content with that, and do I enjoy it?  Or is it simply a direction I am taking so I can look in the mirror and say, “Your are as thin as your sisters?”  

In the past few months I have experienced major roadblocks in my doctoral journey, financial uncertainties, health issues in many of my family members, death, nearly losing my dogs to a gum mishap, and many other stresses that come with the messiness of living that have all resulted in one overriding hindrance:  Fear.  But, having seen the power of Abba work in my own single journey through mental illness and continual brushes with death, I know that the truth of it all is that my innermost being is protected by a power I really cannot explain.  And if I look outside my spirit to the daily happenings and striving to ameliorate them, I only come up against the fear that what I “do” is never enough.  Who I am is bought and paid for with a grace I cannot fathom or replicate, and so I am learning to accept.  And in this season of being thankful I am looking at those I love from my innermost being past what they all “do” to who they are.  This allows me to ignore offenses and to simply enjoy loving them and being loved by them as I work towards lining up what I do with who I am.

Blessings,

L  

Merton, T.  (1955).  No man is an island.    New York, NY:  Dell Publishing Co.