Conflict and Confrontation--The Evil Twins

I have been contemplating the concept of conflict.  It seems we tend to run from conflict, like having it is an indication that relationships are going south.  We are in a culture that demonstrates either passive-aggression or flat out hostility, and somewhere in there conflict has been touted as the thing to avoid, because avoidance seems better than flat out war.  

As a leadership psychologist, I have come to view conflict as a very necessary component of a healthy organization. An organization experiencing conflict is in the throes of change, and change propagates growth, innovation, open communication, and overall health.  BUT!  It has to be handled in a healthy manor.  Conflict is part of social life and is ubiquitous in organizations, because people work closely with one another (Ergeneli, Camgoz, & Karipinar, 2010).  

Just as there are different personalities and motivations in people there are different types of conflicts that arise, requiring different styles of conflict management.  Avoidance is a conflict style that chooses not to pursue the desires and goals or desires and goals of others in a conflict (Shockley-Zalabak, 2009).  Competition style pursues personal desires and goals without considering those of others (Shockley-Zalabak, 2009).  Compromise style works to balance between goals and desires of those involved and the tasks at hand (Shockley-Zalabak, 2009). Accommodation style is willing to sacrifice personal desires and goals in order to stabilize relationships, and collaboration style looks to an equal input and participation from all members in order to accomplish a task (Shockley-Zalabak, 2009).

I realize these styles are in relation to organizations, but there is individual meaning here.  So, let’s pare it down to the individual.  In your relationships do you avoid conflict, choosing to “stuff” issues with the other person until resentment festers?  Do you enjoy conflict with others, because it allows you to “win”?  Or do you seek to find the compromise in conflict situations?  What about accommodation?  Do you continually lay the desires of your heart on the thin white line between that other person and you in order to have a modicum of peace?  Or do you find you seek collaboration in your relationships where you try to engage that other person to problem solve jointly?  

Maybe you don’t know where you fall in the conflict style continuum.  Maybe it doesn’t matter.  Want to know whether it matters or not?  Look back over your past relationships, both personal and professional.  How many of them have lasted?  How many of the relationships cause you resentment when you think of them or make you angry?  How many healthy relationships do you have that have endured—By healthy I mean, those with open communication that you and the other person invest in equally?  

Conflict should be a good thing.  Remember getting leg aches when you were a child?  Doctors often said they were growing pains.  Well that is what conflict is.  It stretches your experience, it improves and grows your relationship, and if you are on board you will stretch with it.  And here is the thing…Most of us do not know how to handle conflict, and part of that is that we associate it with another “c” word…confrontation, and for the majority of people confrontation is something to be avoided as much as possible.   

Part of the reason conflict and confrontation are avoided is that we tend to think of them as bad.  But actually, as I discussed previously, conflict is valuable for growth, and confrontation is necessary to kick start dealing with an issue.  There is an ideology out there that confrontation is about going in angry and dealing in a hostile manner.  It doesn’t need to be that way.  Confrontation is an extension of conflict.  Conflict is a clash of wills, and confrontation is the face to face encounter (Meriam-Webster, 2012).  Simple as that.

Now wait…before you say, “I’m not afraid of confrontation!”  Think a minute.  When was the last time you were in a situation where there was a conflict?  You knew it was coming, felt it in that gut kind of way, and yet you let it go because you didn’t want to deal with it; didn’t want to "get it all over you”.  So what happened?  Did it magically disappear?  That rarely happens I’m afraid.  Such an issue won’t even be the metaphorical elephant in the room.  Quite often the issue that has been left unattended festers and becomes a bomb waiting for detonation.  And like the initial friction, so often all it takes to detonate that bomb is a word.  Suddenly, there are casualties all over the place, not the least of which, your relationship.  But the fallout often extends much further.  In work, other employees are impacted.  In personal relationships other friends, your children, and other family members are hit. 

To be fair, it is important to point out that our tendency to be passive or avoidant in conflict is not so much about a character flaw as it is about sociological conditioning and considering what the cost will be if we do get into a confrontation.  Position, marriage, income, and paradigm shift are so often potential ramifications of confrontation.  Bottom line…There is a lot to lose.  So, how do we get it to work?  Here are some thoughts on that front:

1.  As soon as there is the slightest inkling of a conflict, get more information.  Often clarification is all it takes to ameliorate a potential conflict.  Above all else, communicate!  

2.  Did I say communicate?  Communicate!  Ask questions like, “Did I understand you correctly here?”, or “Am I understanding this correctly?”  

3.  Expedience is key to keeping a conflict under control.  Get with that person and hash it out.  

4.  Be emotionally intelligent.  Keep your emotions in check.  Emotions are like little gremlins, and when you let them have free reign, they will destroy whatever they get hold of.  Read the other person’s body language to see if they are receptive.  Give them time to respond.

5.  Listen.  Instead of going in with the idea of being heard, go in with the idea of listening to understand and see where YOU might have gotten things in a twist.

6.  Ask for input.  This is how you remain objective.  You need to see the other side of the chess board before making a move or landing on a reaction.  So get information.  You can always react and lose your mind on this person down the road if you feel it necessary.  But, just maybe, you can salvage the situation at the gate instead of letting it develop into a two headed monster.  

7.  Above all else remember the value of this person in your life, whether it be personal or professional.  Our network of exchanges with others extends into a wide web, and there are reasons why those in our web are there.  They fill a place.  If we cut them out, there will be a hole that a worse opposition may fill.  

8.  Don’t walk away until every option has been exhausted.  If you cannot see the value of working things out with a person you really don’t care for, consider the process an exercise in learning how to deal with conflict so that down the road you will have more tools to work things out with someone who IS of great value to you.  It’s all symbiotic really.

My husband says I am from 1% of the population that is actually unafraid of confrontation.  While I don’t know the percentage, I would agree that I am not passive or avoidant.  But being the confrontational type has its own set of challenges.  For me, it is more about going in for the kill.  I have learned as I have gotten older and wisdom has hacked its way through stubbornness, that my need to wield my verbal sword takes way too many casualties, and I don’t grow, I don’t learn, I don’t become a better person, and I certainly do not leave the experience with anything other than smug satisfaction that really lasts only long enough for me to relive the experience over again in my mind. 

I have learned that I must above all else confront conflict at the gate.  I cannot wait until I am angry, for my verbal acuity in combination with my love of warring and “righteous” anger is absolutely lethal.  And wisdom says intelligence, purity of heart, and love do not seek to destroy but to build.  I am still fearless, and I rather enjoy the smell of blood in conflict situations, but I have learned that what is inherent to me is not what I have to live with in terms of outcomes.  I may have an inclination one direction, but I want to be something more than a sinuous feed of aggression and anger.  I want relationships that endure.  I want to be able to say that the conflicts I experience have been beneficial, because I was willing to step back, exert diplomacy, and allow the other person a space in the scenario.

If you are in a conflict, you have a choice.  Even if the other person does not choose the same as you, you can work to make the conflict a growth situation for you.  You cannot control that other person, but you can lay down a healthy option for working through the issue, and you can walk away at the end, no matter the outcome, knowing you did not avoid the conflict, that you worked to find ways to solve it, and that you reinforced your own journey towards healthy communication and personal growth.

Blessings,

L

References

Ergeneli, A., Camgoz, S.  M., & Karapinar, P.  B.  (2010).  The relationship between self-  efficacy and conflict-handling styles in terms of relative authority positions of the two     parties.  Social Behavior and Personality, 38(1), 13-28.  Doi:  10.2224/sbp.2010.38.1.13

Merriam-Webster.  (2012).  Definition of confrontation.  Retrieved from

            http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/confrontation

Shockley-Zalabak, P.  S. (2009).  Fundamentals of organizational communication:  Knowledge,

            sensitivity, skills, values (7^th ed.).  New York:  Pearson.

The Sweetest 16

My first niece turns 16 today.  I’m amazed I am that old.  I’m amazed her parents are that old!  (Smile).  I have a special bond with my Bug (as I nicknamed her when she was a wee thing), because she is the eldest of four and I am the eldest of five.  Perhaps I can understand better than anyone in her young life what it is like to be the eldest.  It is a tough job—Not to say the other positions in sibling birth order are not challenging.  Each has its perks and non-perks, but there is a straddling position that occurs in the eldest child the others do not have to accommodate.

I have done some studies over the years on birth order, because as a psychologist, I am fascinated with behavior, and who better to pick apart than my own familial unit!  The eldest child is the experimental child, the one parents are trying theories out on, the one parents are the most inexperienced with, and the one who generally gets to experience the immaturity of parents who have not yet accumulated the years of wisdom that comes with aging.  Many young parents have their first child in their early and mid twenties.  The brain doesn’t even fully finish maturing until the mid twenties, so it is not difficult to see parents are often out of their depth with their first child as they are still growing up themselves.

I have to say up front that I think my parents were fantastic parents as I think Bug’s parents have been to her, but if I were to summarize my childhood in terms of my role in my home, it would have to be captioned with “confusion”.  I was sometimes the parent, told to watch out for my siblings and discipline them for my parents—another set of eyes and ears, but was also told rather often I was “not the mom”, and not to tattle.  I was often privy to conversations beyond my years and often was aware of too many of the stresses that went on in our home when, perhaps, I should have not been aware.  I never labored under the illusion that all was right and tranquil in life.  I had a very profound sense of reality and knew that life is not rose colored from a very early age.  I was also conditioned early on that I was the leader and had to set an example for my other siblings.  Anything I might do, they would likely follow, and not only that, but I had the power to make life smooth or miserable for them depending on the choices I made, especially in high school.  I also think that as the first one, my parents were more strict with me and were sometimes harder on me, their expectations a bit higher simply because they had not yet learned what to expect and how strict was too strict or not strict enough.

CBS News did a profile on sibling birth order and traits they tend to demonstrate.  The traits in the eldest child tend to be:  Natural leaders, reliable, conscientious, perfectionists, and they don’t like surprises, often aggressive, but can be compliant people pleasers, model children who have a strong need for approval from anyone in charge. 

http://www.cbsnews.com/2100-500172_162-511694.html

Now, that is not to say ALL first borns have only these traits or that they even have them at all, but I would say I have most of those traits, and mostly, I think, I have come out ahead not only because of the traits referenced above but because of my position in my family. 

Hmmm.  So far this sounds as though I am poo-hooing being the eldest.  So, here is what is great about being the eldest:  You get to be first, you get the new stuff first, you get to be in charge, you get to be challenged, you get to protect and defend your siblings Rambo Style if need be, and you get to know your parents first, while they are young and not worn out (Smile).  And you get the first car, hopefully, if all goes according to the way it SHOULD.  You develop character for miles.  You learn to be a diplomat.  You learn how to excel and achieve beyond expectations, and you get to be the one they call “big sister or brother”. 

Now, back to my little Bug.  Emma, you have far exceeded my example of what a big sister is and how to be an eldest child.  You have so much grace and compassion, and you are truly a joy to be around.  You have so much living to do, so here are a few tips from your oldest auntie…

Be sure to laugh and mostly at yourself in a way that allows you to lighten up and make mistakes.

Be okay with failing sometimes, because through failing comes the good stuff…The stuff that makes us awesome.

Remember that your parents will always need you to remind them of what great parents they are, because sometimes they will forget that.

Know that the best friends you will ever have can be your siblings.  I know from experience that there is no more powerful bond outside of marriage than the one I have with your aunties and your uncle.

But also know that as you get older your parents can be your best friends too and your relationship with them will change over time to become a very wonderful and special thing.

Remember that being alone is okay…Even being lonely is not fun, but it is okay and better than being with someone just to say you are.

Know that your worth as a woman is not defined by the outside world but by what God shows you about yourself, what you are, and who you are in Him.

Believe that you are never too dumb, that you do not have all the answers, and that wisdom often comes with watching and listening rather than acting and speaking.

Remember you WILL make mistakes…But “tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it”.

Always know you are loved by people who will never take their love away.

Always remember that there is nothing too great for God to work with and through.

You are a priceless jewel, and I’m so excited to see the next leg of your journey.  Your birthday present is waiting…But don’t drive your folks to distraction about getting it (smile).

I love you Bug,

Your Auntie

The Happiness Myth

Hubby had an assignment last week in one of his classes where he had to write an essay on happiness.  I answered some interview questions he had, and it got me thinking about the term “happiness” and beyond.  

I think I have mentioned this before, but I do not believe that happiness is a state of being.  I believe it is an emotion.  I think contentment is a state of being, as is disillusionment, as is balance.  Of course, of the three, balance is less easily defined and possibly more subjective.  

In thinking about happiness I have determined that I have moments of happiness just as I have moments of sadness.  I have had times of despair and times of disillusionment.  See the difference?  This is just my interpretation of terminology based on my own journey, but as a psychologist I have to look at the meaning behind words and try to ascertain whether or not a state of happiness is possible.  Can one maintain a state of happiness for a lengthy period of time?  I don’t think so.  I can see becoming a happiness junkie, looking for that next happiness fix.  Maybe that is not a good or bad thing.  Maybe it is the possibility of becoming a happiness addict that is negative.  

I have known people who spend life thinking there is something inherently wrong with them because they cannot be happy on a regular basis.  I decided, for me, that I would not spend precious energies trying to maintain something that has so often been fleeting.  And in looking at the term “happy,” I begin to wonder about humor and laughter.  Are they mutually inclusive?  Maybe.  Maybe not. 

    

Hubby says I do not laugh enough, that somehow between the years of mental struggle and academic pursuits, laughter has become a scarcity rather than a commodity.  I think he is right.  But, I married a man who is quintessentially funny.  He makes me laugh.  More importantly, he helps me lighten up, and that is not easy, because, I think, I am by nature a serious person.  I am also a cynical person (yet another state of being).  It is possible that either of these states was procured through nature, nurture, or both, but who cares?  

Ever heard the phrase, “I will laugh when it’s funny”?  My issue is that I don’t find a lot of things funny that other people do.  I laugh when something surprises me, catches me off guard…A turn of phrase, an antic I have not expected.  Most media I do not find funny, though I do find a lot of things on wimp.com funny, mostly the animals.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I find humor in a lot of things, but many times it is sardonic, and not often does it make me laugh outright, but I am on the lookout now.  It has been drawn to my attention, and I am looking.

I do not expect to find happiness through others, situations, or dynamics. For me the definition of happiness is this:  Happiness is being in a moment of sensory fulfillment and realizing it—knowing it won’t last indefinitely but also knowing that it does not have to, because one moment of happiness is a flash of light across a darkened sky and a small beacon across black waters.  And who is to say whether or not we would even recognize happiness if not for all the other emotions we experience?  Though, I would not turn down continual moments of bliss, I think there is validity in experiences rendered from moments without it.  I have chosen to embrace those moments as balancing, enhancing, and ever present reminders that life is about the full gambit of emotional experiences.  Whether or not you embrace my chosen philosophy, matters not to individual journey, but I would wager the expectation happiness as a state needing to be sustained could be hazardous to the journey and nearly impossible to attain.  

***I added a little something to promote a moment of happiness...Or a chuckle at least.

Tempered by Fire

My apologies for the gap in posts.  I have been weathering.  There is something to be said about documenting the storms as they occur, but I think that sometimes the most significant documentation occurs upon reflection; certainly objectivity is more present.  I have been doing a lot of thinking in the past couple of weeks.  I have always been a great proponent of thinking.  You may say, “We think all the time,” and that would be an astute observation, but the kind of thinking I am talking about is mindful.  It seems life moves so fast that we are often swept along, our thinking processes narrowed to surviving the moments, and while there are platitudes that come readily to the lips and are adopted as internal anthems to summarize singular moments, we do not often stop to calculate what exactly is happening internally.  

I am fixated on the need of human beings to categorize.  I find that our need to lump life into neat categories, such as good and bad, sad and happy, depressed or normal, are serious impediments to the ability of human intellect to simply calculate on its own.  I certainly find it easier to tell someone I am struggling or that I am fine than to turn inward to really ascertain if what I am experiencing truly fits the labels I assign outwardly.  And when I take a look at the inward landscapes, the process involves my disconnecting from my outward scenario to look at what is going on internally.  

In dealing with mental illness I found early on that I could not be afraid to look at what was going on inwardly, because if I was unable to ascertain how mental processes were impacting my emotive states and vice versa, how could I ever hope to divide and conquer?  You do not go into battle without having some sort of recon—knowing as much as possible about the situation.  So, if I was suicidal, I had to know it.  I had to look at how bad it was.  I had to know whether I was able to follow through.  I had to be able to tell whether I had reached the end of my short rope or if my frustration level had escalated to the point of short circuiting my self-preserving abilities.  Sometimes I was not being honest…I was not suicidal, just rash.  All of things come to light when pausing to let thoughts roam freely.  

It is so easy to be avoidant, to talk self into just ignoring what is going on, like ignoring it will make it go away.  But that just does not happen, and as is the case with experiencing loss of a loved one, or dealing with major illness, or just long-standing habits that have begun to have ramifications, avoidance is lethal to healthy human condition.  And in leaning toward avoidance coupled with busy, busy, busy, there is a real possibility one day the bottom will fall out of the world in a way that is irreparable.  I submit the following as an example:  

I have known two very amazing women who lost children.  The loss of a child cannot be recovered from.  We are not wired to accept the loss of a child.  One of these women dove into passive aggression.  The result of her avoidance of what happened caused a complete and total shut down of her personality.  There truly was nothing left of the person I knew before the loss.  Eventually, she became a shell of a human, her marriage becoming a shell as well, her living child suffering from the lack of a mother.  

The other woman I knew lost her child as well.  She was no less devastated and is, I wager, still devastated to this day.  But she refused to avoid what had happened.  She grieved, she malfunctioned, she gave up a piece of herself to the devastation, but she did not give up her entire person.  Her living child did not lose a parent as well as a sibling.  And while this woman experienced all the aspects of loss from memory to malfunction in relationships that occurs from such a tragedy, she maintained the ability to be present.  I have the utmost admiration and awe because of this woman’s determination to keep living.  I have known both these women rather well, and I will posit that the tragedy never leaves, but there is a resilience in one of the women that is not present in the other. 

 I have often heard that we are to be joyful in the worst of situations.  That is a Biblical reference I have heard over and over, and I think that it is abused or misinterpreted.  I think that it boils down to what we perceive as “joy”.  It is completely unrealistic to think it is possible to experience joy when having just lost a child.  But I think that chara, which as I understand it, is the Greek word for joy is possible.  It is a joy produced and tempered by fire.   Tempered by fire….Hubby and I watched a guy take a piece of glass, and with fire to temper it, he turned that piece of glass into a three dimensional stallion with flowing mane and tail.  That is the kind of impact fire has.  Ever been burned?  It hurts like a son of a gun, doesn’t it?  Blisters and turns the skin red, and that is just a minor burn.  So, it would follow that chara refers to the kind of joy that is a result of massive pain in a fire that can make the end product extraordinary with little resemblance to what it was before, BUT the individual has to choose to walk through it.  Lying down in the fire and choosing not to get up again will not produce the kind of joy I’m referencing here.  Maybe this kind of joy is that which is residue from the process, filtering off that person to gather on everyone who comes near, kind of like the dust that continues in your house long after the construction conducted nearby has long been concluded…

I have been pondering how much my recent issues with my work and my bipolar brain have narrowed my view, shifting my focus to all that is not right in my little world.  And then one day I was spending time listening to Abba’s voice in my life rather than prattling along as I usually do, and I experienced a metaphorical slap upside the head.  My view shifted, and I realized I was missing the jewels present in the week.  My kid making first chair in band, hubby’s tolerance and utter support, the continual comedy between my two dogs and our effervescent kitten.  I am not experiencing chara as a result of my current conundrums, but it is the fact that deep tragedy has occurred in my life in the past and the fact that I have been tempered by fire that has produced it in my life, making it present now.  I am not fool enough to think tragedy is over for my lifetime.  That is not the way of living, but I understand better joy’s place in it all, and I think that it is the gift of authentically living rather than a directive on how to be.

Blessings,

L