Pickin' Strawberries

My first notice for a student loan payment, due next month, arrived today; 430 dollars.  I am trying not to panic, so I am doing the only logical thing in my world...I am ignoring it.  I have been pondering the concept of “meaning”.  What gives you meaning?  I have been reading Madeline again, and one of the things she mentions is how, when life is a struggle, she goes back to what gives her meaning; her grandchildren, being in “flo’ whilst playing her piano, energetic conversation.

As I sit here looking out my big picture window at two little red finches fighting with each other to get at my bird feeder, I am reminded that what gives me meaning is not necessarily the same as what brings meaning.  Right now I am looking for meaning in the little things that occur in my daily sojourn, because the larger picture is lost on me at present.  I cannot find my place in the working world at present.  I am overqualified, underworked, or just plainly an anomaly.  So, I am listening to Act III:  Entr’acte from Carmen by Bizet while I watch the little birds get rowdy, and I am embracing what is bringing meaning even if I cannot discern what gives me meaning.

What brings you meaning?  What gives meaning to your life?  I have to say, upon reflection, that the creative brings me meaning, generally in the form of music.  My husband bought me a bouquet of lilies and a bouquet of roses for my birthday.  Their beauty and their scent bring me meaning.  

But then my next question is how do they bring meaning?  Well, when I hear music such as what I am listening to at present I am reminded through the clear tones and musical combinations that life is sometimes bright, lovely, airy, and ripe with adventure.  When I look at my flowers, the meaning they bring me occurs through a reminder that beauty exists, that fragility is lovely, and that hope abounds in the merest of aesthetic appearances. When I see those little lovely birds bickering, I am reminded to smile.  I am reminded that humor is still possible and that I may just need to lighten up on myself, even with the weight of my obligations weighing heavily.  

My next step after I move away from all these wonderful carriers of meaning is to maintain, because I agree with Madeline, meaning is what helps me find my way back to center through the craters, lava, and abysses of stress.  See, I know that I must trust that someone greater than me has a hand in my future, but I do not always make the connection across the board or maintain it.  I think that going back to those carriers of meaning that remind me what I love are key to helping me achieve perspective.  And even if I have no idea what gives me meaning in the sense of my life as a whole, I can certainly find pieces of it through those carriers that herald meaning on a smaller scale.  

As I type this, my attention is drawn to my little Westie dog who is reclining on the couch for his afternoon nap.  His whole body is in repose only to jerk suddenly and snap at a fly that has made a mission of tormenting him.  After several attempts, he gives up and sits up looking at me expectantly.  I try to delete the offending creature but to no avail, so I do what brings him meaning; I pull his still warm bedding from the dryer, and he settles down in its warm folds to try again.  My boxer cares not a bit about such things as pesky flies.  Warm bedding is to her the height of luxury.  And when I do this simple thing for both my canines the meaning they derive from that warmth is that their mom loves them.  Doing this for them and watching them luxuriate brings a smile and a sense of accomplishment with the knowledge that I am needed.  So, I guess meaning comes not just from what we derive from something that comes our way; it also happens when we provide meaning to others.

It has been a rough summer.  Recovery from surgery for me and the need to once again attack weight that has crept on with wonky hormones and inability to exercise, major back traumas for my hubby, financial uncertainties as I move out from under the umbrella of protection afforded by academic endeavors, and concerns about not being able to find work that is fulfilling and allows me to do what I am so very good at, all contributed to a summer of continual waves, and it is still only July!  BUT I am looking for meaning, friends.  And what I am seeking is beauty. That is the meaning I need imparted to me.  I am looking for beauty that will help me to remember life is not just struggle. 

Remember the analogy about the lion, the cliff, and the strawberry I shared some time ago?  Manning shares an analogy about, I believe, a monk who is being chased by a lion.  He runs to the edge of a cliff and starts going down a rope.  At the bottom of the rope are jagged rocks where he might impale himself.  He chooses to get away from the lion and go down the rope where, on his way down he sees a strawberry.  Mid descent he stops on that rope and eats that big fat strawberry.  

The lion is the past chasing us, the jagged rocks are the future, but if we are not careful, we will miss the strawberry in the present.  I am looking for the strawberry.  The jagged rocks will or won’t be there, regardless.  The past is done and is what it is, but the present is where I can find the sumptuous if only I look.

So, I am listening to The Swan from the Carnival of Animals, and I am looking for strawberries once again, because their meaning is reward, contentment, and hope for me.  Where are your strawberries?

Blessings

L