Heart desires

Tonight I went to church. For me the experience was a monumental one because I have issues with churches in general. As an individual with mental illness, I have come up against all manner of idiotic notions and perceptions about my illness, but none so blatant as those I have encountered after walking through the doors of a church.

They want to pray over me, or exorcise me (and I am NOT talking about taking me for a few laps around the parking lot, which I could actually use), or they simply feel I need to get "right" with God. All of which lead to me not being allowed to take part in the workings of the church...wouldn't want any of IT to rub off on anyone else. Sound bitter? Well I'm not...just dripping with finely honed sarcasm.

HOWEVER! I have found a church that is not that way. This church is looking to reach out and help others who are needing some help and I am all about that! I am not interested in pious living that takes me further away from my community. I think I may have found a home.

One of my sisters attends the church. I didn't tell her I was going tonight. I needed to have the whole experience for myself, and outside of a rather off pitch worship team who seem quite talented outside of intonation, I found the experience challenging and inviting. I like the pastor who is young and has a heart for helping others.

Because my history with churches is so very negative and dramatic over the whole of my lifetime, I needed some closure before I could really just let go of all the prejudice I experienced throughout. This past month seems to have been a month for letting go of baggage. I told my three-year relationship "so long," I let go of part time work and am looking to work full time in my field; I cut my hair off, I let go of needing to make everyone in my family happy in favor of tending to me and the things God is sending my way and working out in me; and now I am letting go of the church baggage.

I feel light and smoothly directed. I do not know where I am going, but I know God is in this transformation that has be wrought in me. It has not been painless. I miss my guy. I love him as ever and it hurts to have a hole in my life where he used to live, but I am free and that feels so good. I am refocused and I see now that when I don't have people in my life who really support what I do, they become a suckage to my energy and focus. I don't want that.

I hope most intensely that I may be used to help others. I have hopes and dreams of my own, but they are not what they once were, and there is so much more room for God's work in with the little things I would like to have. I would like a new car and a home with a green house, a place that is all mine with enough room that I can have people come stay with me. I want something quaint and durable, and I want it as an oasis to rebuild myself in order that I might go back out into the world to help others. There. I have said it. I don't want children. I don't need a man. In fact I am not even sure I can ever trust a man again; at least not with my heart. My dream is simple but it is authentic and honed. I believe God honors the desires of our hearts...when they belong to Him.