Live Mental--Life With Bipolar Disorder, Among Other Things: A bit of babble

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A bit of babble

I have not forgotten my little literary corner of the world. Life has just been...strange. I've either not been in the mood to express anything worthwhile, or I couldn't express anything worthwhile, or I've simply been inundated with new experiences and could step back from them to sort of get a more objective view.

In a couple of days I am going home. Home for me is Kinnear Wyoming. I grew up there and the substantial cord that ties me to the earth began there. I have not been home for over a decade. I see people who remember me a certain way, and for someone with a mental illness, that is not always a good thing. I am a very different woman than I was then. And my extended family is changing in dynamic as well. We are all getting older and I have an uncle who is in extremely poor health. It is important to show him he is important, that his life matters no matter what stage it is in.

Still, I struggle with the old me and the real me I am now. I wonder will people think I have weathered well, that I have become a woman worth knowing? I wish John were with me, just because I always feel comfortable having him around...and yet...I need to roam my old childhood haunts, and I need to visit my grandma's grave and simply spend some time being...being in a place that is both comfort and abrasion for me.

I've no idea if this makes any sens. I'm all fuzzy and stars tonight, having expended the best parts of me on a paper for class. I felt the need to connect with my hypothetical pen and paper for a moment to recount that I am still here moving through my life, my heart in tact, and God's hand sheltering me even as He moves me forward. Oh how I love Him! He never fails me, and so I go forward in the journey, awaiting yet another bend in my road, trusting He can make any path straight for me. Blessings...L

1 comments:

Shawn said...: You have indeed become a woman worth knowing. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't believe that! Hope you had a great trip to WY. I envy you, but still love you. :); February 25, 2009 8:52 AM

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Life' s little ironies

I sat on a stool at the end of the counter watching my friend, inventory merchandise she had just received for her natural foods store. We were just catching up on all the gossip in small town Powell when the door was flung wide and a woman who looked to have wandered far and away from the red light district of some other state (none of the towns in Wyoming are big enough to have red light districts) made a rather dramatic entrance.

“Sarah, where is your mother,” she asked, though it sounded more like an exclamation than a question as she hurled the words like small pebbles at my friend. She stepped forward slamming the door shut behind her, its little jingly bells that announced a new caller sounding wildly with the force. The woman took another step forward toward the counter glancing briefly my way, and then dismissing me once she had determined me of no use to her. I heard Sarah answer but what she said was lost to me as I stared in fascination at the woman.

Her hair was a very yellowed bleached blonde with dark roots of about two inches. Her makeup was thickly caked on her face, her eyes painted with frosty baby blue eye shadow. She wore a white tank top that was low cut and kept falling off one shoulder. She had on a wide black belt over her hot pink miniskirt, which was so short it hardly qualified as one. Leopard tights and high-heeled boots completed the ensemble. She was tall and thin and I had the impression of taffy having been pulled to distortion.

But it wasn’t the ensemble that had me entranced. No. It was something else. There was an energy emanating from her; a kind of frenetic-ness that had me both fascinated and frightened. She was hurling words at my friend so fast and with such force, I expected to see Sarah thrown backward from the impact as if hit by bullets. I realized I was staring openly, my mouth ajar, and quickly shut it. I felt as though I was watching a human bomb detonating right in front of my eyes. I couldn’t even concentrate on what she was saying, or even understand it for that matter. I marveled at Sarah’s composure and ability to decipher what the woman was saying, such was the speed of her dialogue.

In my mind it seems as though the conversation was lengthy, but in reality I believe it only lasted a few minutes. The woman left in the same manner she had come, throwing the door open. It swung shut with a swoosh of air, leaving a final benediction of the small jingling bells. I looked at Sarah and said, “What was the matter with that woman? She acts like she’s on drugs.”

Sarah smiled calmly, “No she’s not on drugs. She’s a friend of my mom’s. She has a mental illness called manic-depression.” (bipolar disorder)

I stared out the glass door, still able to see the woman’s retreating form. I sighed, looking up at the ceiling for a moment feeling drained and thinking, “I am so glad I don’t have that.” I was frightened by what I had witnessed and I was so relieved to know I wasn’t like her.

It wasn’t too many years later as I sat in a doctor’s office looking at the ceiling that I remembered the incident with the woman in Sarah’s shop. I was in a psychiatrist’s office and he was in the process of diagnosing me with bipolar disorder, otherwise known as manic-depression. Generally I appreciate irony in life. It is often amusing. In this particular case, though, I was not amused.

Live Mental--Life With Bipolar Disorder, Among Other Things

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A bit of babble

1 comments:

Life' s little ironies

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