Victory dance...6/03/2008

So I'm working through my life like we all do. I'm taking it a step at a time, often feeling overwhelmed enough to not do the things on my "to do" list, but I respect my need for procrastination at times. If I'm not ready to address something, I know myself well enough to know, that I'm simply just not ready. But the emotional circus has left town and I'm now knuckling down to deal with the fallout.

Life with mental illness is generally three steps forward and one or two back. If there were no "normal catastrophes" like moving, jobs, death, relationships ending, changes in general, and so forth, I would probably not take steps back, but this is not Nirvana, and denial would be sheer stupidity on my part.

I've been addressing the agoraphobia…again. I go through periods of time when it seems to not exist at all. Granted, those times are infrequent but they have happened enough that I remember them and rather easily forget that I have said disorder. I employ a technique called cognitive therapy, which I've mentioned before. I was practicing cognitive therapy long before I went into psychology and knew its name. I simply worked out what would best help me get through my severe depressions or at least alleviate them, and later used the technique with my anxiety disorder.

Cognitive therapy in a nutshell is taking irrational thoughts and reshaping them to be rational. In psychology we often call it "reframing." I do a lot of reframing in the course of the day, first for my bipolar since, medicated or not, I tend to look at life through the lens of extremes. Medication gives me the ability to reason with myself. Because of medication I can control impulse for the most part. That desire to dive headlong into whatever I'm looking at, is dissipated and I can see possible outcomes.

Using this method for my anxiety disorder is a long process. I've had to start from the beginning of late, trying to retake ground from the anxiety disorder I once held. So I make a plan the night before… "Tomorrow I'm going to…." and then I set out my plan. Now this plan making is about leaving the house. Agoraphobia is excellent at making prisoners of those who have it, and I've always fought it to not become a hostage. So I make my plan.

I've gone back to walking. I have places nearby I can walk to like Wal-Mart and such, and it's good for me to plan an event that takes me to where people are. I am alone which takes away the stress of pleasing someone I'm with or ruining their time if I can't manage the excursion halfway to fruition. Walking, rather than driving gives me open space, which is so important to agoraphobics because feeling trapped is a big factor in agoraphobia. Cars trap you on all sides. I've been walking a lot and have not had a panic attack in two weeks in spite of all the personal upheaval in my life. Eventually, I will add in driving my car and then will add in going with a person and so on.

Basically I am reformatting my mind. Reframing events that trigger anxiety so that they are not so ominous. My mind is relearning, yet again, how to function with environmental stimuli in an area. I am also making the areas I go to very familiar to me. All that has to be considered in order for me to gain control yet again. A lot of people with bipolar have anxiety disorders as well. It makes sense considering the tremendous amount of strain placed on the bipolar mind to function in an environment that constantly over stimulates it. Every time there is a change in my life, I go through this whole process of reformatting my mind again. Frankly, it's exhausting and the exhaustion often influences my bipolar and my abilities to function with reason in situations.

Going to the store is a process most people take for granted, but one I cannot. It certainly keeps me humble. But working through such a process, which I liken to carrying a piano while hiking in the Tetons, has caused me to learn so much about my mind and myself. Sometimes I am awed at the sheer power of the human mind. The sheer magnitude of my mind to single handedly block out simple functions in life, just astounds me, and while I'd rather have that force used in more productive and healthy areas, I can't help but appreciate such prowess.
I've been dealing with these illnesses for so long, and I decided that it's important to share what I've discovered, not because I have all the answers, cuz you all know that I don't, but because so many of my friends are at the beginning of dealing with their illnesses, and if there is anything I might have in my bag of tricks I want to give it to them. When I started dealing with bipolar 15 years ago, there was no help for me. I was lost and so, it seemed, was everyone around me. People were simply grappling with trying to believe I had a mental illness. If you think it isn't addressed in society now, it really wasn't over a decade ago. I had to dig and claw my way out of the tunnel I was in, and if it hadn't been for God showing me all the things about my illness, and myself I would not be here today.

I want to encourage my friends who are struggling, and make sure they know that, yeah, there will be a lot of days when life sucks and where the illness isn't fair and where you feel you somehow ended up with the short stick without even drawing it, but there is victory. I've tasted it. You can stand on the mountain of all that is haywire in your mind and do a little victory dance. Those days will happen; sometimes whole months, and you will have an amazing story to tell that will leave people breathless. THAT'S what makes it worth living through…living through it. I love the scene at the end of the movie "Twister" when the tornado has destroyed everything and finally gone and in the middle of all the debris, the sun is shining and the two main characters are kissing on all the carnage. That is what life with mental illness is. We don't have to be under the rubble, but laying on top of it in the sun, able to keep on loving.