Take that

So I thought I'd try writing a post in the morning to see if somehow the view is different from the one I have at night...it is...I am moving in slow motion, my mind refusing more complex functions. Maybe another cup of coffee would do it...

I've taken my first morning pill. It's the one that takes the agoraphobia monster and handcuffs it to a bit of railing that exists somewhere in the back of my mind. At around elven I'll take the antidepressant...controls the overflow of very severe depression bipolar II people are so fortunate to have a good portion of the year. This over flow is what my lithium, the pill I take around 1:00 p.m., can't control. I have read studies in my research that state antidepressants are not helpful in combination with mood stabilizers, but that is not so for everyone, and not me. I am on an antidepressant for about five months out of the year. Without it I am quite suicidal.

Then there's the lithium. I've had people write my blog and tell me lithium is evil. It's all evil, and without the evil meds, my behaviors are evil, so get over it. Lithium has been shown of late to stimulate regenerate nerve growth over long periods of time. I need that as the nerve endings of my hypothalamus have been blunted off due to damage from bipolar. I need those nerve endings to control the cortisol pumping through my body continually from dusk to dark, when the cortisol should only be pumping through my body during "fight or flight" times. Too much cortisol damages my arteries an makes me more susceptible to heart issues.

Then there's the next dose of my anxiety med which I sometimes take and sometimes don't take depending on how I feel. Then at night I have another shot of lithium and possibly a medication to shut my brain off during hypo-manic season, as needed.

Unfortunately, I often forget one or several doses of these meds. It's not intentional, just problematic. I often feel like a science project, needing specific amenities to get everything functioning. I am, however, committed to trying to do what helps me function best. If that means meds every.

People I know are very happy I can take a pill and function better, and so am I. Absolutely. Except, I often wonder what all these medications are doing to my body. Get the brain to function and the rest of the body may suffer for it. I know God has brought solutions to my malfunctions into my life. So I am trusting He has a reason for keeping me around. I must trust He is considering not just my brain but my whole being. He is the only one I trust to blindly follow into the mists of human speculation and experimentation on such a brain as mine. After all, He made me. I find I can take that, whatever the dosage.
L