The road racer, the stool, the lamp, and the ship...4/30/2008

Well I think I've finally just about managed the transition into mania. I am medicated so I am not circling the airport, letting the wild horses of impulsitivity run away with me, or investing in things or people that, while stimulating to me, are bad for me overall. Here in a couple of weeks I'll be able to decrease the lithium back down to my usual dose, and I'll assume the nice smooth ride in my mind that has gone from sluggish and slow to a nice well-oiled road racer. I'll be able to do the work of 5 people and still stay in control...and control is important in this area, vital even.

I've heard people say that life with bipolar is like walking a tight wire. you just never know when you're going to lose your balance and fall off. Some say it's like juggling too many balls. For me it's like standing on a three legged stool. I hate three-legged stools. One never know just where to stand...However, I have discovered that even though I'm on such an accursed little stool, it's always the SAME ONE. So I have spent time marking where my spots of balance are at. I try to plant myself in those areas, and if I do, I weather every storm with relative normalcy.

In psycology we measure by statistics. We have a mean and then we have outside the mean, to simplify a complicated process. Most of society fits within the perameters of the mean. Then there are those who fall outside the mean by increments, and there are the outliers. I am and outlier. Unmedicated and in all my glory, that's where I fall. With medication I still do not fit within the mean but I do not qualify as an outlier. I like that. I color outside the lines with enough weird to still be me, but not so much that I cannot function. I am happy to not be like everyone else but can affect it if necessary for a time.

So I sigh as I feel the fractious mind I own, beginning to calm a bit, the waves not pushing quite so hard to get out. I've weathered an emotional crisis this week, having to address issues I wasn't prepared to look at psychologically or emotionally. Nothing has changed but my perspective, and I'm reminded of the peace I spoke of last night. I have that as the lamp that lights my way through all the uncertainties that seem to keep bombarding me. And as a ship looks toward the lighthouse, I look toward that lamp of peace that has been promised me, as much my heritage as my red hair or my blue eyes. And I will rest. I must rest in that.