Potential adventures in agoraphobia

I think one of the most difficult things about having a mental illness is that you are constantly straddling wanting to be like everyone else and do what everyone else can do, and yet still need to be acknowledged as not being like everyone else so that when control heads south and you are exhibiting behavior that could easily get you into the circus but not the mean of society, you will be excused to a certain degree for your little proclivities.

I find the more I exhibit "normal" behaviors, and by normal I mean behaviors withing the norms of society, the more surprised people in my life are when I fall off the sanity train. As long as I am errupting moods like a volcano, people tend to adjust and allow for strange behavior. But exhibit regular behavior, and everyone freaks out. How dare I "go back" to the way I was before. What the bloody hell is that? Like I have a choice. This is just a fun little trip I take when I've nothing else to occupy my time? Like fighting for control isn't a daily climb up a slippery slope with five different meds and a lifestyle that resembles a repressed teenager rather than an over 35 individual.

I have mentioned I am headed for Phoenix for my residency. I had to call the disabilities department at my college to let them know that I have agoraphobia and might need a bit of modification in the class room. I patiently explained what agoraphobia is (anxiety disorder) to the guy on the phone, something I do most often, otherwise people think I am afraid of spiders...which, incidentally, I am. So I tell him that I have panic attacks and so on and then mention I might have to leave class on occasion to get myself under control. He wanted to know why. So I explained that panic attacks are ugly things to have and behold. I told him I am on medication but am going to be on a plane...which for agoraphobias is similar to entering the fifth realm of hell (problems with being able to exit while in flight), and I explain I'll be in a strange town at a college I've never been to and with people I don't know.

I get through all that and he explains it is not a good idea for me to leave class or the other doctoral students might think badly of me and feel I am different or that something is wrong with me. I took a very deep meditative breath and explained I could care less what other peole thought. My intellectual prowess is not in question; my sanity is. I explained that my having a panic attack in class would be much more damaging on that front than actually leaving class. Plus panic attacks make me sick. They sort of short circuit me, making me worthless for the rest of the day.

He finally offered to allow me to turn my homework in late rather than make accomodation in the class room, to which I explained, academics are quite simple for me. I need to acclamate to other human beings, not intellectual pursuits. I finally gave up and told him I would deal with the situation as best I could. If I get docked in points because I have to leave the classroom, so be it. The world is an unfair place. His response was to offer me a classroom with fewer people in it....I took the accomadation. Every little bit helps.

I am really quit tired as I write this, so my powers of reason and fair play are quite altered, but I must say, I would love to trade brains with some of these people who really have no clue what it's like to live with a highly intelligent, malfunctioning brain. It is so very frustrating. What should be so simple to accomplish is elusive. I get very tired of trying to explain something it has taken a lifetime to understand to someone just to be able to perform at the same level others are. Ah well, I am fortunate I am quite able to put words together to bitch about it. Least I know I won't explode from lacking of being able to express myself :) L....apologies on the spelling...tired and couldn't be bothered...consider it a lesson in phonetics.